


Land of Castles and Magic

by Immortalnite



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Multi, The Deathly Hallows, Yer a wizard John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-04-30 01:36:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5145467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortalnite/pseuds/Immortalnite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's first year at Hogwarts is interesting, to say the least. Lord English is terrorrising the wizarding world in search of some insanely powerful weapon to help him in his quest to senselessly kill everyone, one of his classmates is apparently a murderer and he's not quite sure what species his best friend is. Also, Jake English is an oblivious idiot. Not that that's very surprising, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

===>Be John

John looked out the window of the train as it peeled away from the station. His Dad was back there somewhere, probably waving at him as he left. His sister Jade was off in another compartment, having already found herself some friends. He didn't really want to impose on them, so he had just found himself an empty compartment and stuck with that.

He looked out the window as the train passed through the lush countryside of England, the colours blurring together as he let his eyes unfocus. Pulling a hoodie across himself, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

 

===>John, wake up

John was shaken awake by someone after a little while. He jolted up to see a blonde boy in shades looking at him with a little smirk on his face.

“Hey, trolley lady wants to know if you want something.”

John flushed a little and looked to see a motherly lady giving him a kind smile. John shook his head quickly, remembering he had a sandwich his Dad had packed for him the night before.

“No thank you, ma'am.” She nodded and moved on, leaving John alone to deal with the new kid in his compartment.

“So, what's your name, sleeping beauty?” The boy with the shades asked.

“John.” He blushed again.

Shades nodded and began to open up boxes in the stash he had gotten from the trolley. “I'm Dave.”

John looked down at his jacket, grabbing his lunch from the pocket. Unsurprisingly, there was a note written on the folding napkin and a picture tucked into the side of the crease.

 

Dear Son,

I am so proud of you for getting accepted to a magic school. I always knew you were special. This is the first of many steps towards becoming the self-reliant young adult I know you will become.

Dad

 

John rolled his eyes at his Dad's letter, all too used to these silly things. Pulling out the little photo, he smiled at it. It was from the first football game he had won when he was 6. In it, he was sitting on his Dad's shoulders, holding the black and white checkered ball above his head, the rest of his teammates standing in front of the goal behind him. He didn't notice as Dave leaned forward to stare at the photo incredulously. Or rather, he didn't notice until the other boy reached out and poked it with a look of confusion on his face.

“Dude. It's not moving.” Dave said. John put the picture away, blushing, and gave him a funny look.

“Moving? The photo? Why would it be moving?” He asked. Dave's eyebrows raised up above the rims of his shades.

“Wait, you're a muggleborn?” Dave's voice rose slightly and he stared at John with what he assumed to be a shocked expression.

“Uh. Yeah? Like, my Dad isn't magical, and I don't think my mom was, either.” John said, wondering why Dave was reacting so strangely. Was there something wrong with being muggleborn? Dave shook his head and leant back, shaking his head.

“Sorry, I've just never met one before. I lived in America for a while, and their wizarding communities are much more closed-off than the ones here,” he offered. John nodded, just then picking up on the slight southern drawl. Evidently, he'd lived here long enough to cover his American accent pretty well, but you could still hear a little bit of it in a few of his words.

Dave glanced out the windows, the sun just now starting to dip down behind the mountains.

“John, come here.” He said, motioning for the other boy. As soon as John was within arms' reach, he pulled him closer, pointing out over the green moors towards something in the distance. John squinted a little before realising what Dave was pointing at. It was the silhouette of a far-off castle. The turrets were raised high into the air, proudly spearing up into the sky and the gabled roof threw the last rays from the sun back at the train as they sped towards it.

John stared at it in wonder. Hogwarts was an actual castle. He'd never seen one that was intact and usable, much less in use. Dave chuckled and bumped his shoulder before turning and grabbing his trunk off the rack above their heads.

“You should probably get into your robes now. We'll be arriving pretty soon.” Dave then yanked the shirt he was wearing off, digging around in his trunk for his uniform polo shirt. When John didn't respond, Dave turned around to look at him.

“Do you need help getting your trunk down?” John shook his head and tried not to blush to hard. He had definitely not been staring at Dave and he was definitely not a homosexual. He pulled his trunk down and got out his own robes, quickly changing into them while keeping his back to Dave.

Sure enough, once they were both finished, the train pulled up to the Hogwarts station and slowed to a jerky halt. The two boys grabbed their trunks and made their way through the station down to the platform, unconsciously sticking close together.

“Let's go over to my brother.” Dave grabbed John's arm and shouted over the din of the crowd. John nodded and followed the blonde. They pushed past upperclassmen to a small group of people standing in a circle. John smiled at his half sister, Jane, who was standing next to another boy who resembled Dave in every way, except for the pointed anime style shades he had on. Not-Dave seemed to be arguing, perhaps, with a tan boy who appeared to have simply thrown his cloak over a muscle tee and cargo shorts. Jane was talking to a cute girl with short purple highlighted blonde hair.

“Oi, Dirk, that's my brother.” Jane said. Not-Dave looked over at them, taking his eyes off Muscle-Tee for a moment.

“And mine. Sup, little man.” Dave rolled his eyes at his brother, Dirk, and glanced at the doors.

“Should we be heading in now?” Dave asked.

“Nah, Roxy and Jake are waiting for their sisters.” Dirk answered.

Just then, two other girls walked up.

“Okay, now we can go.”

The eight kids walked up the steps of the looming castle, following the stream of noticeably shorter students going off to the side. The first years piled around the front doors as the older students streamed in. Eventually, the noises from inside the great hall began to quiet. John stood up on his tip toes, trying to see over the heads to look at the doors. He put a hand on Dave's shoulder for balance as he craned his head for a better look. Dave smirked and bent down, grasping John around the waist and picking him up in one smooth movement. John squealed and grabbed onto his arms, looking excitedly at the doors.

Through the steadily widening crack in them he could see the vaulted ceiling, the high supports fading into the night sky. Floating candles sat in the air above the tables and a podium with a large golden sculpted owl took centerplace on the raised head of the hall. John put his hands on Dave's shoulders again as the other boy set him down. Dave was grinning at the wonderstruck expression on John's face.

“First time seeing the Great Hall?” Dave whispered as the first years were ushered though the doors. John nodded, not having time to reply as he got a closer look at the hall. He nearly ran into Dave's back when the first years stopped. They were in the middle of the hall, between two tables in the centre isle. The tables to his left were green and blue, the ones to his right gold and red.

A tap on the podium up front brought his attention back. A orange man was standing at the podium, his hands resting casually on the wings of the owl. His robes were not torn, but definitely not new either. A rather odd headmaster, John thought.

“So, welcome first years. In a minute you will be sorted into houses by this lovely singing pile of rags. Have fun.” He gestured to a bar stool off to his right, where a mass of black fabric straightened itself into the shape of a pointed hat and glared at the headmaster. Then it began to sing.

 

_“Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,_

_But don't judge on what you see,_

_I'll eat myself if you can find_

_A smarter hat then me.”_

 

John stared at the hat in amazement. He wasn't sure he wanted a smarter hat than that one. I mean, talking was great and all, but he didn't know what he'd do with one. What if it sang in the middle of class? How embarrassing would that be?!

 

_“You can keep your bowlers black,_

_Your tops hats sleek and tall,_

_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I can cap them all.”_

 

Now John was getting a little concerned about this hat. Did it, for all it's claims to intelligence, realise that, given it was the 21st century, no one really knew what a bowler or top hat was anymore, much less wore one? And, dear lord, those hat puns. Why? Just why?

 

_“There's nothing hidden in your head_

_The Sorting Hat can't see,_

_So try me on and I will tell you_

_Where you ought to be.”_

 

Oh my. Oh my. This hat... oh my. Scanning the brains of young teenage boys. It must get all the weird porn. And some of the girls that wrote fanfics... John didn't even want to know what this hat had seen. Thankfully, John had only seen the normal porn. So the hat at least wouldn't judge him for that.

 

_“You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_Where dwell the brave at heart,_

_Their daring, nerve and chivalry_

_Set Gryffindors apart;”_

 

Nic Cage's house. Definitely Nic Cage's house. That man is so brave. So, so brave.

 

_“You might belong in Hufflepuff,_

_Where they are just and loyal,_

_Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_

_And unafraid of toil;”_

 

John kind of wanted to ask Dave if toil was some abbreviation for toilet. Like, who even uses 'toil' in normal speech? This hat needs to get with the times. Someone give the poor thing a computer.

 

_“Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_

_If you've a ready mind,_

_Where those of wit and learning,_

_Will always find their kind;”_

 

Do ravens have claws? John guessed they must. He'd never really thought of their feet as claws. It gave him a funny mental image of a bird with cat feet.

 

_“Or perhaps in Slytherin_

_You'll make your real friends,_

_Those cunning folk use any means_

_To achieve their ends.”_

 

Hmm. That one sounded interesting. So many opportunities to start a prank war there. He could even possibly develop a rival! None of his other friends had ever seemed to understand the refined art of pranking.

 

_“So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

_And don't get in a flap!_

_You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

_For I'm a Thinking Cap!”_

 

Somehow this old dusty hat telling little kids to trust it didn't make it him feel safe.

There was some scattered applause across the hall and a woman with long white hair and a squiggly orange headband began to call kids up to try on the hat.

 

“Ampora.”

A kid with a streak of purple in his hair walked up the steps, his posture stiff and reeking of arrogance. John saw a transparent guy who looked like an American greaser float through the air closer to the front to get a good look at the kid. He sat on the stool and put the hat on his head. It sat there for a moment before screeching in a high pitched voice “RAVENCLAW”.

 

“Captor.”

Another boy with long dark hair that hung down in front of his face and two different coloured eyes walked up on stage. He dropped the hat on his head, barely waiting for it to finish saying “RAVENCLAW” before taking it off and brushing dust out of his hair.

 

“Crocker.”

John waved at his half sister as she went up to the stool. The hat hummed for a moment before shouting “GRYFFINDOR”. She hopped off, a huge smile on her face and went to sit at the red table.

 

“Egbert.”

John froze for half a second when he was called, then began to move robotically up the steps. The hat smelled sour and disgusting, but he put it on anyway. He nearly jumped when he heard its nasally voice right in his ear.

“That's a rude thing to think about the person who's going to be deciding where you'll live for the next seven years. You don't see me saying you smell.”

“Yeah, 'cause I don't smell.” John thought back to it.

There was a quiet chuckle and then the hat shouted “GRYFFINDOR”. John got the nasty thing off his head as quickly as possible and went to join Jane. She hugged him, babbling something about how glad she was they were in the same house.

 

“English.”

Muscle-Tee boy from before got up on the stage, shooting double pistols and a wink at Dirk before putting the hat on his head. The hat had barely touched before it screamed “GRYFFINDOR”.

 

“Harley.”

A girl with long dark hair and two little fuzzy dog ears on the top of her head walked up to the hat. She made a face at having to push her ears to get the hat to sit right on her head. It was quiet for a moment before shouting “HUFFLEPUFF”.

 

“Lalonde, Rose.”

A girl with black streaked blonde hair went up, a knowing smirk on her face. The smirk only widened when the hat gave a loud cry of “RAVENCLAW”.

 

“Lalonde, Roxy.”

The girl John had met earlier with the purple highlighted hair tripped on her way up to the hat, giggling as she put it on. The hat seemed to flinch back a little before it screamed “GRYFFINDOR”. Jane cheered and waved her over, pushing John to the side to make room for her friend.

 

“Leijon.”

A cat lept up on stage, changing as it moved into a short, feline girl. She put the hat on her head, batting the top playfully. John saw the hat try to dodge her paw, er, hand. “HUFFLEPUFF!” There was a note of desperation in the hat's tone, like it was anxious to get cat girl away.

 

“Makara.”

There was a noticeable quiet that fell over the hall as a skeletally thin boy made his way up to the hat. His face was painted in the likeness of a human skull and numerous piercings glinted in his ears from beneath his curly dark hair. His fingers had barely touched the brim of the hat when it screamed “SLYTHERIN.”

 

“Maryam.”

A tall willowy girl swayed her way up to the hat, putting the hat on and sitting on the stool politely, eyes looking at the brim of the hat as though she were having a civil conversation with the hat and trying to maintain eye contact. “RAVENCLAW.” It said after a moment. The girl stood and placed the hat gently back down on the stool before moving to sit at her designated table.

 

“Megido.”

A girl with long hair that flowed behind her like a second cloak glided up to the stool. When she sat, strands of her hair floated around her face, as if picked up by some invisible breeze no one could feel. A reddish rock glowed dimly at the hollow of her throat. The hat was quiet for a second before saying “Gryffindor.” It's tone was oddly muted for once.

 

“Nitram.”

A boy with a septum piercing and a mohawk made his way up to the stool. Over John's head, a ghost with a red shock of hair and a vest made of bones floated forward towards the boy. They smiled at each other when the hat shouted “GRYFFINDOR.”

 

“Piexes.”

A short girl with a cheerful grin bounced up to the stool, perching the hat on her head like a tiara. It shouted “HUFFLEPUFF”, and she pumped her fist into the air like she'd just won a great prize.

 

“Pyrope.”

A girl with a cane made her way up, seeming to not even use the cane, despite her apparent blindness. She caught the end of the hat with her cane and swung it up onto her head. It screamed “RAVENCLAW”.

 

“Serket.”

A very curvy, attractive girl with a set of spider bite piercings made her way up, winking at some of the boys in the crowd. John would be lying if he said his gaze didn't rest on her a little longer than it should have. The hat screeced “SLYTHERIN” when she donned it.

 

“Strider, Dave.”

John perked up as his friend walked up to the hat. He wondered what Dave would get. Maybe Gryffindor, too? Then they would be dorm mates! When Dave put the hat on, he held his breath for the three seconds it too before the hat shouted “SLYTHERIN”. John tried not to be too disappointed. Oh well, he could still have a prank war with Dave.

 

“Strider, Dirk.”

Dave's twin went up, shooting a mock salute at English, who was sitting across from John. The hat screamed “SLYTHERIN” and English leant back from the table to give Dirk a high five when he passed.

 

“Vantas.”

A short boy with a grumpy expression made his way up. Over by the hufflepuffs, a ghost in a red sweater looked up curiously. The small boy put the hat on his head, glaring at it like it had personally offended him somehow. “GRYFFINDOR”, it screeched.

 

“Zahhak.”

The last person, a muscley, sweating boy made his way up. Under the scrutiny of the crowd he seemed to perspire even more heavily. Which, admittedly, was pretty gross. The hat shouted “SLYTHERIN” for him.

 

When everyone was seated and had eaten, the headmaster came up to his podium again. He raised his wand and his expression seemed to sober.

“I know this was a small class of first years, and I know that many of the older years have lost students to the summer. Those who are here now, I congratulate and thank you for returning and pursuing your education. I hope you will all continue to work hard. And stuff. Yeah. Okay, dismissed.”

Everyone in the hall stood up and began to move out. John grabbed onto Jane's arm and followed her and Roxy out of the hall, lead by the bone-covered red haired ghost. They got to the portrait of a woman who was sleeping at a table, a smashed wine glass beside her.

“She's totally hammered. You know how it is.” One of the men from a neighbouring portrait helpfully supplied. The ghost above them nodded.

“Okay kids, listen up! I'm Rufioh, the Gryffindor ghost. This is the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. Normally, you can just tell the Fat Lady to open up and she will, but she gets drunk and passes out a lot and isn't very reliable in general. So, passcode next to the door is an alternative.” He paused and looked down at Roxy. “Doll, could you put 01487 in?”

Roxy did and the portrait swung open to reveal a passage big enough for two people walking shoulder to shoulder to fit through. It lead into a big room, warmly lit by lamps and a fireplace. The main room branched off into two dorms, a boys' and a girls'. Aradia, Jane and Roxy followed an older girl up to their dorms while Jake, John and Karkat followed Rufioh to theirs.

“Hey Rufioh, what did Headmaster Hussie mean when he said a lot of people were 'lost to the summer'?” John asked.

Rufioh ignore his question and pointed to two doors. “There's your rooms. The imps already brought your trunks up and everything. Just call if you need me!” He proceeded to float through one of the walls and off into the common room.

“Rufioh! Wait! You didn't answer...” John frowned at the wall he had just gone through.

Karkat snorted. “He was talking about Lord English, fuckass. Don't you read the paper?” The shorter boy rolled his eyes and went into his dorm room, closing the door tightly. John frowned. He decided to go into his own room. He wanted to go talk to Jane, but he had a feeling the castle wouldn't let him.

 

When he went in, his trunk was already sitting on his bed, as promised. John hummed happily and began to unpack his belongings. Shirts in one drawer, pants in one drawer, uniform in one drawer, books in stacks by subject on top of the dresser. It was so neat. Dad would be so proud.

John picked up his abridged Colonel Sassacre's and went to see if he could hide in underneath one of his drawers. After a few minutes, it became obvious that he could not. Of course, given the size of the book, this should have been evident from the start. However, the rattling did knock a piece of paper to the ground. John picked it up, finding it to be an ancient looking piece of parchment paper. He unfolded it, looking for any writings. It appeared to be blank, save for a post-it note. John squinted in confusion and took the post-it note off.

“I solemnly swear I am up to no good.” He read aloud. What was that supposed to mean? Out of the corner of his eye, he saw movement on the old piece of paper. He glanced at the parchment, watching in amazement as spiraling black lines inked themselves across the surface, slowly becoming a comprehensive map of the school. John's eyes widened as he realised there were also people on the map, actual people, their locations on the map shifting as they walked. He saw Dave lying on his bed in the Slytherin dorms, Jane and Roxy in Jane's room in the dorm next door. A grin split his face. This was gold. His prankster's gambit was filling up just looking at it.

John picked the post-it note back up, flipping it over. “Mischief managed,” he read off the back. The map went blank. John picked the map up and did a little victory dance. He slipped it inside his Colonel Sassacre's text, and put it back on his dresser. Oh yes, he was definitely going to get up to some good tricks with this.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

===>Be Dirk

Dirk looked up from his semi nap to find a glowing translucent alligator on his chest.

“Sleeping?” It asked.

“Never. I was just lying down so you would think I was. Gotcha, huh, English?” Dirk grinned at the alligator.

“Suuuure. Anyway, meet me at the Whomping Willow at midnight.”

Dirk didn't even need to ask what for. Before mommy and daddy Strider had died and Dirk and Dave were moved to America to live with some shitty aunt and uncle, they had lived next door to the English family. He and Jake had developed quite the rivalry, always sneaking out to strife. Of course, he had always won. But now, English claimed to have acquired and repaired a new, powerful wand on one of his ruin exploration adventures. So, obviously, Dirk needed to go show Jake who was really more powerful. Wouldn't want him getting too full of himself.

“You do realise that I can't just jump out of my window like you can. I actually have to sneak out through the castle.” Dirk told the patronus alligator.

“Hmm, tough, you might have to forfeit the strife to me if you get caught.”

“Never. I'll be there to whoop your fine ass.” Dirk swept his hand through the patronus, dissolving the spell. Obviously, both boys were vastly more advanced then your typical first years. But, that's what made it _fun_.

Dirk went over to his trunk, drawing out a silvery mass of fabric that had been handed down to him by this awesome mortuary that he and Jake had broken into once. Slinging the cloak around himself, he nodded in satisfaction as all visible traces of his corporeal body vanished.

He swept out of the dormitory, down the hallways. The Slytherin ghost, a guy who greatly resembled a greaser and called everyone 'chief', was no where to be seen, which was just as well.

He passes the great hall on his way out, his eyes flitting over to the great clock that said he had just four minutes left. When he did get out onto the grounds, he saw Jake already waiting at the base of the tree.

Dirk cautiously approached, not to keen on getting hit by the temperamental bush. Jake smirked when he whisked off the cloak.

“Knew you'd make it out here, old chap.” He grinned. “C'mon, let's go.” Jake motioned towards a large hole in the base of the tree. Jumping down into it quickly, he muttered a quick spell that lit up the tip of his wand.

“I take it this tunnel was one of your explorations?” Dirk asked, following him. Jake nodded and they began to walk down the earthy corridor.

“Yep. While you were off in America, my grandma started bringing me to Hogsmead. This path leads to the Shrieking Shack. And I thought it'd be perfect for a strife once we were at Hogwarts.” Jake grinned at Dirk and slung an arm over his shoulder.

The two boys kept walking until the corridor began to taper off. It narrowed down until they had to walk single file, bending down slightly to fit. The end of the tunnel was a simple hole in the wall, covered by the remains of a tapestry long ago shredded. The inside of the Shrieking Shack was cool and musty, blue light filtering in through dirty window panes. The room where the tunnel ended looked like it had been a bedroom, a molding four poster bed the centre piece of the room. In the corner, scratches carving deep furrows in the wall trailed up a set of stairs to another floor. This floor was completely empty except for a few loose bits of bloodstained furniture.

Dirk nodded and shoved Jake forward, yanking his wand out of his belt and holding it up. Jake didn't miss a beat as he whirled and grabbed his out of the thigh sheath he kept his in. Dirk flicked his wand, muttering a quick sell under his voice. Jake tried to dodge, but it caught his foot, leaving the boy swearing as the nerves there promptly went dead.

“You bloody wanker!” He laughed as he fired a spell of his own back at Dirk. Dirk managed to successfully dodge it, but not by much. As the spell went past, he could feel the power of hit make the hair on his arm stand up. Damn. Jake's new wand, evidently, was nothing to sneeze at. Dirk fired a tickling charm at Jake, just as the other managed to summon and toss a chair at him. He quickly threw up a shield charm, yanking at the curtains to the left of Jake. Just as he had hoped, the curtains had been filled with doxies that swarmed out with a vengeance now that their nest was gone. Jake squeaked in shock and dove to the side, avoiding the swarm that had launched themselves at his head. He tossed a small fireball at them and made a face at Dirk.

“That was low, mate.”

“All's fair in love and war, English.”

Dirk tried to dodge or block the next hex Jake sent his way, but he missed a tickling charm. It hit him in the gut like a punch and soon he was doubled over, not sure if he was experienced a rush of endorphins that was making him feel good or adrenaline that was hiding the pain. Ticking charms were a favourite of English's, but this was the first that had literally brought him to his knees. When Jake removed the spell, he fell to his side, smiling and gasping for breath. Still, not wanting to be the looser here, he tossed another chair at Jake. The boy jumped back, his foot landing on a rotten plank. The floor gave way with a loud crash and Jake fell down to the level below. Dirk pushed himself up and went to see he was alright. Jake was lying on his back on the bed below, a storm of dust surrounding him. He jacknifed to his feet and quickly climbed up one of the posters on the bed, pulling himself back up onto the floor at Dirk's feet.

Grinning up at him, Jake said “That's probably enough strifing for one day, if we've already broken the place. Dirk chuckled and nodded, offering a hand to pull him back to his feet. The two of them made their way back to the whomping willow and Dirk ended up walking Jake back to the Gryffindor common room, both boys pressed together to fit under the cloak. When they got to the door, Jake turned and wrapped his arms around Dirk, pulling him in close for a hug,

“I'm so glad you're back. I really missed you, y'know.”

Dirk smiled into his hair and put his arms around Jake's waist. “Yea, yea, don't get all sappy on me, English. Just go to bed, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.”

After one last squeeze, Jake let go of Dirk and went into his dorms, waving back at him as the tapestry swung shut behind him. Dirk made his way back to his room, taking care not to disturb the sleeping Horuss that was floating in the air above the couch in Slytherin's common room. His unmade bed hadn't looked so nice in a while, he thought as he fell into it.

 

===>Be John, and go get food

John woke up to the sound of his phone going off. He rolled over and felt blindly around on his dresser until he found both the ringing device and his glasses. His glasses, which he didn't recall taking off, were set on top of a piece of paper he didn't recall placing there the night before.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, sliding his glasses back on his face and waiting for the world to focus again. He grabbed the piece of paper, his schedule for the upcoming Monday, and looked it over a couple of times before setting it back down on his dresser. John had two whole days, a magical castle and the corresponding magical map, to explore and a new friend to prank. He'd think about school later.

His stomach alerted him to the fact that it was morning and morning meant breakfast. He rolled out of the bed, brushing himself off as he stood up. Running his hands through his hair a few times and throwing on a new shirt and pair of pants, he deemed himself fit for public appearance and went out.

The staircases were annoyingly unhelpful as he tried to make his way down to the great hall. Eventually, after several tries that had left him two floors and three corridors down from where he needed to be, John pulled out his magic map and opened it up. The map showed not only the staircases' current positions, but also the ones they would go to next. It was kinda like a maze. Grinning, John began to race around the staircases, hopping from landing to landing as he made his way to where the great hall should be.

When he did finally make it to breakfast, out of breath and grinning, he was definitely hungry. The great hall had changed from last night. The tables were staggered and no longer colour coded to each house. Kids from all years and houses sat together, chatting. John looked around and spotted Dave sitting by his brother and their friends and headed over. When he sat down next to the blonde, the other boy looked up and nodded.

“Hey, Egbert.”

Dave passed John an empty cup and plate. John took it and looked around the room for a table that held food. Dave smiled and leant over to him.

“Sorry, forgot this is your first time with imps. Just tell the plate what you want.” He said discretely.

John nodded and, feeling a tad foolish, whispered “toast and bacon” to his plate. The requested items appeared. His eyes lit up and he quickly asked his cup for apple juice, delighted to find that it worked the same way.

Happily munching on his food, he looked around at the other kids he was sitting with. Dirk and Jake seemed to have acquired a collection of bruises overnight, likely from doing something dumb with each other. Roxy and Jane were explaining something to Jade, who looked a little unnerved by the kitten that Rose had on her shoulder.

“Hey, Dave, wanna explore with me?” John asked, looking over at his friend. Dave had been watching his brother (or so John thought, he couldn't really tell with those shades on), but he turned to look at John when he spoke.

“Sure, why not. Got nothing else better to do.” He shrugged.

As soon as John had finished his breakfast, the pair rose from the table and went out into the hallways. John pulled out his map, muttering the key phrase “I solemnly swear I am up to no good” to unlock it. Dark seemed impressed with the map once he figured out how it worked.

“Where'd you get the map from, bro? Thought you were a muggleborn.” He asked.

John shrugged. “I am. Found it last night under one of the drawers of my dresser. Where do you want to go first?”

John let his eyes roam over the map, looking for anything that might be a hidden passage. He mentally noted that there were several ways to get into each of the common rooms, and filed that away for pranks later.

“Let's go outside.” Dave motioned to the courtyard in the back, the one leading out to the groundkeeper's hut and the giant pumpkin patch.

 

===>Be Vriska

Vriska looked around her new common room. It wasn't quite what she would have imagined, but it was still pretty damn cool. The common room was underneath the lake, so the combination of dusky witchlights and the skylights in their roof that peered up through the murky waters of the lake gave the room a subdued feeling.

Her fellow first year Slytherins were all doing their own things, for the most part. The Strider twins had left for breakfast with their posse, Zahhak was talking to Horuss and the younger stoner clown was nowhere to be seen. It was a little disappointing, to be honest. The tales of what the Slytherin house used to be had entranced her when she was younger.

The Dark Lord, who had come as close to immortality as any man could ever hope and Draco Malfoy, the famous kismesis of Harry Potter, both great wizards of the House of Slytherin. Those times were long past, of course, even the ghosts from their time having faded into oblivion like ancient tapestries.

It had been amazing, in those times, but now look what Slytherin got. The Striders were undoubtedly powerful, of course, but they were so strange. Their irony thing seemed to Vriska to be a coverup for their obvious and total lameness. They even watched stupid muggle shows about magical ponies or something. Like, seriously, those muggles wouldn't know a Pegasus if it landed in their bloody lawn. And Zahhak! Talk about a looooooooser! He would sweat any time someone so much as looked in his direction. Vriska had considered using him as her henchman, but that would require interacting with him and that was a pretty disgusting thing to even consider. Gamzee, though, he might be okay.

The name Makara held a lot of weight with anyone who had heard about his brother, Kurloz. Kurloz didn't talk much and kept to himself, mostly. Once someone had thought it amusing to jinx his skull makeup into a mockery of a muggle jester, red nose and all. Kurloz hadn't said anything, just left the classroom and didn't reappear for a day or two. The boy who had jinxed him had shown up to class a few days later with prominent scars tracing a line from the corner of his mouth up to his ears, the marks made in knife strokes that looked just like Kurloz's own mouth stitches. He refused to say who did it, insisting that he'd just tripped, but everyone knew it was Kurloz's work.

Even so, Gamzee hadn't shown anything too promising. He was undoubtedly more talkative than his brother, his mouth not being sown shut and all, but he usually was just rambling some nonsense about “motherfuckin' miracles”. So she'd probably have to find some people from different houses to talk to.

On the bright side, she'd already spotted some people at breakfast that might be fun to play with. Tavros, a wheelchair-bound boy with a mohawk and a multitude of piercings, Aradia, a serious looking goth and John, a cheerfully innocent muggleborn. Vriska set off into the hallway, looking around at the people who passed by her for any of her new playthings. A large spider caught her attention and she set off after it, muttering quiet jinxes to get rid of anyone who threatened to step on it. It lead her to a little stand of trees outside the Quidditch Pitch. Tavros was sitting between two of the bigger trees, murmuring to something. Vriska grinned and picked the spider up, whispering a quick thank you to it before releasing it high up on the trunk of a fir tree next to her. She put her hands in her pockets and walked up to the boy.

“Who you talking to?” She asked. Tavros jerked and looked up at her, obviously not having realised she was there.

“Oh, uh, him.” He said, motioning to the empty space in front of him. Vriska raised an eyebrow. Was the boy actually retarded?

“There's nothing there.” She said, keeping her tone light. Tavros looked a little surprised and nodded.

“Not for you, I guess. But there's a thestral there for me.”

“A what?”

Tavros smiled and held out his hand. Something bumped it upwards a little and he began to stroke the air. “A thestral. They look like a cross between a dragon, skeleton and horse.” He leant forward and pulled something, probably his 'thestral', up onto his lap. “I found this one a few hours ago. His mom must have died giving birth to him, so I buried her and I'm gonna take care of this little one.” He looked at the invisible creature in his lap fondly.

Vriska felt a wave of envy and anger. How come he could see the animal and not her?!

“Why can't I see it?” She demanded, some of her irritation creeping into her tone.

Tavros looked back away from his new pet, the fond look turning into one of sheepish embarrassment.

“Oh, uh, sorry. You can only see them after someone you know, um, dies. Like, for me, my brother Rufioh in the car crash that paralysed me. But, it's ok, you know, since he's a ghost and stuff here.” He shrugged.

Vriska chewed on her lip. Someone had to die, huh? That was pretty lame. Shouldn't be too hard, though. But not now, of course, she had to play with Tavros first. Get him to trust her, like her. Then she could start having fun.

Turning to look at Tavros, she smiled sweetly at him. “I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, at least you can still talk to him.”

She bent down to place a hand innocently on Tavros' arm, fully aware that the V-neck shirt she had on was not going to hide anything when she did. Sure enough, a blush spread over his dark skin and he stuttered out a thank you. She nodded like it was totally normal, standing up and leaning a little against one of the fir trees to watch Tavros.

A spiderweb, strung like tinsel between two smaller trees still hanging on to the last few drops of morning dew caught her eye and she smiled fondly at the arachnid sitting in the centre of the web. Tavros was definitely going to be fun to play with.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! This is my first fic where I don't have the entire plot explicitly written out for me to follow so this is an adventure for me too. Anyway, comment if you'd like, I love to hear from readers. 
> 
> Also, does anyone want to do a DirkJake collaboration with me? Preferably I'd like someone to be Jake.  
> 


	3. Notice

Starting now, you guys can ask the characters questions about this universe. It can be anything, from character exposition to what has happened to Hogwarts since Harry left. Provided that your question isn't a spoiler, I'll answer. You can specifically request a character, otherwise Dirk will answer because he's my favourite. Okay, that's all! I'll try to get a proper update out within the next two days or so.


	4. Chapter 4

===>Do awkward mid-chapter time-skip to a week into school and also be John

The first years were standing outside the castle, all in a straight line, looking at the man in front of them nervously. Because of the small size of this year's incoming class, John had most of his classes with a set group of people. It made classes a lot more fun when all your friends were in them, he had decided.

Even so, it didn't really help to make the slightly daunting task in front of him any easier. He drew in a deep breath and stuck his hand out, palm up, over the motionless broom at his feet. A few kids other kids had already begun to try to get their brooms up, with varying degrees of success. Karkat's commands had steadily increased in volume, while Aradia was simply looking at her broom like it was a simple stick, unworthy of her attention.

Dave was standing next to him, hands in his pockets and an eyebrow quirked. John stuck his hand out over his broom, closing his eyes and nearly shouting “broom, up!” To his surprise, his fingers reflexively closed around the rough handle as it jumped up into his hand. He opened his eyes and looked proudly down at the splintered wood in his hand.

“Dave! I did it!” He exclaimed, looking over at his friend. Dave nodded, smirking at him.

“Yeah, you did. Good job.” Dave put his hand out over the broom and it flew into his grasp without him even saying a word. He propped it up and casually leant on the handle. John pouted a little, just a tiny bit upset at how easily he had done it, when the instructor congratulated them both. Looking around, he noticed that everyone else hadn't gotten theirs up yet. That made him feel a little better.

Once the rest of the class had gotten their brooms up, some of them having to resort to simply picking it up, the instructor had them get on their brooms and hover a few feet off the ground. The second his feet lost contact with the ground, John knew he belonged on a broom. He floated up farther, shoes dangling almost ten feet over the head of his classmates, and did a little loop. The teacher was over, talking Sollux through the basics of riding a broom, so he wasn't paying any attention to John.

Dave glanced up at him, then rose up to meet him. John rose up a little higher, then swooped over to Dave.

“Hey,” He said, grinning impishly at the blonde and laying a hand on his shoulder. “You're it!” John laughed and went into a dive, pulling up at the last second and doing a hairpin turn towards the trees. Dave was still for a moment, then chased after him, smirk growing wider.

The wind tossed about John, pushing through his hair and playing with his loose shirt. Living in the city for most of his life, he'd never really felt the wind so open and freely. He heard it as it tore screaming through the confines of the buildings and seen it rip at trees in his neighbour's yard, but he'd never felt it out in the open air, where there wasn't any restricting factors for it. It felt amazing.

John glanced back, finding Dave hot on his tail. He was crouched low over the handle, speeding along the tops of the trees below. Dave reached a hand up to grab his foot and John pulled up, almost completely vertical as he turned to head back towards the class. The instructor had by nw noticed their absence and was screaming about detention, but when John came back and smoothly landed on the ground, Dave following next to him, he simply sighed.

When the class was over, the instructor called Dave and John over and handed them each a piece of paper with the times and locations of the Quidditch try-outs.

 

 

===>Be Dirk

Dirk and Jake were skipping class. And doing so successfully, Dirk might add. They had been following Roxy to history class when they had abruptly realised that this was the only class that the teacher hadn't changed in the last, oh, about a thousand years. Meaning, it was still Professor Binns.

So in the interest of learning their wonderful wizarding history, albeit in a very non-traditional way, they were heading to the chamber of secrets. After Harry Potter had told his son, James Potter, where it was, it had more or less become common knowledge that it was in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Most people hadn't bothered to learn parselmouth, due to there being precious few books that could teach it, but both Dirk and Dave had decided to learn it a few years back, so they could have private conversations. Even if they still used pig latin mostly, for the ironic value.

When they opened the door to the bathroom, two voices floated out towards them and they both winced.

“They shouldn't have done that! Loads of people have glasses, there's no reason for them to be making fun of yours!”

“I know, right? It was so rude, I just wanted to cry.”

Dirk peeked around the corner, catching a glimpse of the hufflepuff ghost, Kankri, talking to Myrtle. He looked at Jake and motioned towards the two ghosts, watching as Jake's eyes widened in horror.

“Oh my god. Dirk, it's like a bloody social justice convention in here. Who even introduced them?”

“Me.”

Jake jumped violently, grabbing Dirk's arm and half hiding behind it. Right behind him, a ghost that looked like a muggle greaser from the 1900's was sitting on the air, flipping an unlit cigarette between his fingers and looking rather regretful.

“It was a dumb decision, I'll admit, but at least he gets it out to her rather then giving me and the freshmen several hours worth of his lectures.”

Dirk looked at the guy, wondering if he realised the hell they would all catch the moment Kankri and Myrtle decided to do something other then have their social justice book club bathroom meetings. One day they were all going to get lectured by the two over breakfast and it would all be this dumb greaser's fault.

“Who are you, anyway?” Dirk asked. Might as well know the name of their condemner.

The greaser sighed. “Chief, I'm your own ghost and you don't know my name?” He shook his transparent head. “I'm Cronus, the Slytherin ghost and also Kankri's boyfriend.”

“Well, nice to meet you. We're going to go down to the Chamber of Secrets, do you mind keeping those two from going to tell the teachers what we're doing?” Jake asked brightly.

Cronus shrugged. “Sure. Honestly, I kinda doubt they'll care. I mean, Kankri is a little nosy sometimes, but right now he looks like he's having... fun? Just don't interrupt their conversation and you'll be good.”

Dirk nodded and walked over to the sinks, Cronus watching them with interest. The mirror above the faucet had been grafittied with black spray paint that had some interesting comparisons for snakes and dicks, which Dirk studiously ignored as he began hissing at the sink.

“Well, mate, while the hissing is impressive and all, the fact that you're basically talking to a sink is kind of silly. Isn't there a better way to do this? One that's a little more... adventurous?” Jake said.

Dirk stood back and put his hands on his hips as the plumbing began to grind and the sinks started to move. “I don't make the rules, bro. Salazar thought sticking the entrance in a sink was cool, so we gotta go with that. Who am I to question a founder? But hey, if you're looking for adventurous, I invite you to jump in that dark hole first.” He motioned at the gaping pit that the bathroom fixtures had revealed.

Jake went to stand next to him at the edge of it. “Hmm, looks fun. Let's go.” He grabbed Dirk's arm and stepped forward, off the edge, pulling Dirk behind him. They fell, almost immediately landing on their backs on the hard, ridged surface of a pipe. The pipe was slick with moss from the humidity of the air and both boys started to slide down the surface of the pipe. It sloped downwards and they picked up speed, vaulting through twists and turns at a terrifying speed. The light from above faded until it was pitch black and even Dirk's sensitive eyes couldn't make out any shapes. Dirk tightened his hold on Jake's arm, using the other boy as his anchor in the dark.

When they finally reached the end of the tunnel, it spat them out on a bed of rodent bones. Dirk got up off the skeletons quickly, dusting himself off and fixing his hair. Jake sat in the bones for a moment, looking out at their surroundings. Now that they were in the chamber, they could see again, light coming from the large head of Salazar in the middle of an underground lake.

Jake scrambled to his feet and elbowed Dirk in the side, pointing over to their right, away from the head. Dirk looked and saw the massive head of the basilisk that Harry Potter had vanquished. Most of its' fangs were gone, probably for the best, but it was still a frightening and impressive display. Jake ran over to it immediately, dropping his robes on the floor to reveal his normal t-shirt and short shorts. He jumped up on the skull, using the empty eye socket as a foothold. He struck a dramatic pose on top and grinned down at Dirk.

“Do I look impressive and adventurous?” He asked.

Dirk nodded. “So impressive and adventurous. I'm going to swoon from how adventurously impressive you look.”

Jake hopped down from the skull and came over to him. “Don't worry, my dear sir, I'll catch you if you swoon over me.”

“Such a gentleman.”

“Always.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, not that anyone knew that but him, and headed towards the thin walkway that lead to Salazar the Statue's open mouth, and the source of the light. Jake followed him down the partially submerged walkway, their footsteps sending out ripples across the lake. The water on either side was a murky green, impossible to see through. Thoughts of what other tricks, ones that Harry Potter hadn't already tripped, might lie just beneath the surface set him on edge and he slowed his pace slightly so he and Jake were side by side.

When they approached the mouth, they realised it was really more of a door. Inside, a fire had sparked up in a hearth inside a comfortable looking room. Dirk ducked under the upper lip of the face and went inside first, Jake behind him. The room looked like a smaller, warmer version of the Slytherin common room. The furniture was green and silver, barely faded despite the centuries it had spent down here. Portraits of snoring witches and wizards were around the room. Two doors were at opposite sides of the room, heavy and wooden with iron lattice work snaking across them.

Jake whistled lowly and it suddenly struck Dirk how utterly disgusting the room was. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust and the air stuck in his throat when he drew in a breath.

“Scorgify.” Dirk said, pulling his wand out and doing a broad sweeping motion across the room. The dust puffed off of every surface, swirling up into the air and hanging for a moment before being sucked towards a single point in the air and disappearing. The air thinned a little and the musky scent disappeared. The portraits began to wake up, muttering and groaning as they looked around the room.

“What year is it?”

“Who are you?”

“Those pants are not appropriate, young man!”

“What have you got on your face, blondie?”

“Where's Salazar?!”

Jake ignored the paintings, walking over to the door to their left. He stood behind it, throwing it open and clutching his wand like he expected something to come out of it. Nothing happened except the fireplace in that room springing to life as well. Jake peered in and Dirk moved to look over his shoulder.

“It's just a bedroom.” Jake shrugged.

Dirk frowned and cast another cleaning spell. The room was indeed a bedroom, with a really nice four poster, king sized bed in deep emerald and silver. There wasn't really much else in the room besides a nightstand and a tall wardrobe. Dirk pointed his wand at the wardrobe and flicked it, causing the doors to fly open. Nothing came out, but the different robes inside swayed a little.

The two boys shrugged at each other and walked back to the other door. This time Dirk just opened it normally, not bothering to hide in case something came out. It swung open easily and the fireplace inside lit itself automatically also. It was a library, albeit a small one. Dirk stepped inside, wand already twirling in a cleaning charm, to stare at the books in amazement. Most of them he'd never even heard of before, or heard that they were lost and no more copies existed.

“Jake, we're going to be coming back here.” Dirk said seriously.

Jake shrugged, “Might as well. Me could do our midnight strifes here, outside by the lake.” He laughed. “It'd definitely be a pretty cool spot. This could be like our secret room!”

“Hell yes.” Dirk grinned. “Hell fucking yes.”

 

 

===>Be Vriska

Everyone else went to dinner in the great hall after classes, making it the perfect time for Vriska to execute her plan. She strode through empty corridors, trying to look casual and unassuming in case she chanced upon any teachers. She ducked through a door that lead out onto the grounds and headed straight for the Herbology greenhouse.

The second year boy she had asked to meet her was already there, waiting, and looked up as she approached.

“Hey, so what did you want to talk about?” He asked. Vriska could tell what he was expecting from this meeting. His chest was slightly puffed out and he had squared his shoulders. She could practically feel the testosterone radiating off him and she fought back a grimace. Oh yeah, this idiot seriously thought she was going to confess to him. Gross. But she might as well play it up a little.

“I need your help with something.” She asked, looking down at her feet coyly. “I saw you one day, and I just knew that no one else could help me but you.”

Ew, ew, ew, ew. Grossssssss.

The second year puffed up a little more and smirked. “Oh yeah? And what is it you need help with?”

Vriska looked up at him and smiled sweetly. “Well, my friend has this pet, and I'd really like to be able to see it so...”

Her smile abruptly turned venomous and she pulled her wand out, casting a full body-bind charm on him.

“So I kinda need you to die, okay?”

The boy hit the ground with a thump, eyes wide in frozen surprise. Vriska sat on his chest, looking down at the boy with a smirk.

“Petrificus totalus is a common enough charm that it won't set off any wards. However, if I were to perform a spell powerful or malicious enough to actually kill you, the headmaster would likely be informed. Normally, I wouldn't really care, because all he would know was that the spell had been cast, not who it had been cast by or where, but I'd like to keep this whole thing on the down low. So, I'm just going to bite you, okay?”

The boy stared up at her, eyes darting back and forth in his head, like he was trying to use his eyes to escape. Vriska leant down so her face was at his neck, mouth by his ear.

“Bye, kid. Next time, don't trust pretty girls.”

She opened her mouth and felt the venom sacks that fed her teeth fill, just like they did every time she went to eat. She closed her mouth on his neck, her sharp fangs easily piercing the delicate skin. The pressure in the roof of her mouth decreased as the venom poured out into her victim.

The body bind charm wore off, and he abruptly began to thrash, knocking her off. He stood up on shaky legs and tried to advance towards her, wand clutched tightly in his trembling hand. Vriska watched him in amusement as his legs were seized with violent tremors and he fell to the ground again.

“I suppose I should tell you now what my vemon is doing in your body. Firstly, my venom is what's called a neurotoxin. That means it's going to break down your nerves. Your muscles are already feeling those effects. Or, not feeling, really. You'll loose control of voluntary muscles first, because the nerves connecting them to your spinal cord and brain are going to dissolve. Then involuntary muscles are going to stop working. You'll most likely die of suffocation.” Vriska smirked. She was particularly proud of her venom. It was strong enough to kill someone in a matter of minutes, which was incredibly useful.

As soon as the spasm and tremours had stopped, she pulled her wand out and levitated the body of the limp second year. She took him inside the greenhouse, heading straight for the Advanced Herbology section of the greenhouse. She dumped him in a section of carnivorous vines, smirking as the bush quickly pulled its' victim in happily. His body should be completely digested the following morning. She walked out of the greenhouse, smiling. Now, she should be able to see Tavros' pet thestral.

 

 

===>Be Aradia

Aradia was, in fact, in the dining hall. She had just gotten a large serving of the mashed potatoes when the stone on her necklace burned. She let out a little cry of shock, dropping her fork and pulling the hot rock away from her skin. Karkat, who was sitting across from her gave her a strange look, but she waved it off. Ignoring her plate, she got up from the table and nearly ran out into the hallway.

Looking around to make sure no one else was in the hallway, she pulled the necklace off her head and looked down at the stone. She turned it over three times, counting under her breath. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, a boy stood in front of her.

He was pale, entire body cast in greyscale except for two bright red puncture wounds at the base of his throat.

“Where am I? Who are you?” He asked, looking around frantically. “Where's Vriska? Oh my god! Vriska!”

Aradia looked at the confused man pityingly. “You're outside the great hall. And you're dead.”

He stared at her, shocked. “I'm dead?"

She nodded gravely. “Yes, you're dead. I need you to tell me how you died, please.”

He was silent for a moment, then broke down in tears. “I- I thought she liked me!” He whimpered. “I thought she was going to ask me out! So I went and met her, behind the herbology building. And- and she bit me! Then, I couldn't move and everything went dark- and oh my god I'm really dead?!”

Aradia sighed. “Can you tell me who killed you?”

He was clearly panicking but, to his credit, still managed to answer. “It was this first year girl, Vriska.”

Aradia's eyes widened a little. He'd said her name before, but she hadn't expected her to be his killer. Hell, she hadn't expected his death to be anything more then an accident. It had been ages since she'd gotten a murder.

“Thank you.” She said, Now that he had told her how he died, it was time for him to move on. She stepped forward and hugged him, her arms going around his cold shoulders.

“It's time for you to let go now. It's scary and I know you won't want to, but you need to. Focus on me, then imagine pushing me away. Let yourself fall into the darkness, Your ancestors are on the other side, they'll catch you.” She wished she didn't know this speech so well. The boy took a shuddering breath and nodded. At first, nothing happened, but then his form began to fade from sight. Her arms fell to her sides as his corporeal form dissipated into an echo, then vanished altogether.

Aradia sighed and slipped the necklace back over her head, the stone now cool and it's usual pulsing red colour. She turned to look back at the doors of the great hall, but then thought better of it. She didn't have time to eat. She needed to find the boy's body. Turning, she resolutely headed towards the greenhouse.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRSTLY IM SO SORRY FOR THE LAST SCENE PLEASE DONT KILL ME IT HURTS ME JUST AS MUCH AS IT HURTS YOU TRUST ME AN IRL GUY NAMED THE SAME THING IS DOING WHAT HE'S DOING TO DIRK TO ME NOW SO I FEEL ALL THE PAIN
> 
> secondly im so sorry for how long this took i literally do not understand the concept of time and therefore i really dont know how long its been since i posted anything it may have been up to three weeks i seriously dont know
> 
> thirdly coding all that pesterchum chatlog crap is a literal bitch it is the most tedious thing ever you should all appreciate my bby Dirk for coding an entire AI because damn i forgot how tedious coding gets sometimes this is what happens when you screw around with javascript too much and forget about html
> 
> okay thats all enjoy the chapter and keep commenting because that last chapter where like i accidentally started a legitimate discussion on how to kill vriska was fucking beautiful and it made me laugh so hard
> 
> **UPDATE**  
> Apparently JK Rowling says Donald Trump is worse then the Dark Lord. Just wanted to throw that out there.

===> Be An Extremely Confused And Worried John

The whispers started at the beginning of potions class and, thanks to the inattention of the nearly deaf potions master, had spread through the entire back of the class within fifteen minutes. John had ignored it at first, studiously taking notes of the diagram on the board. But then he heard Karkat's name and couldn't help but try to tune in. He elbowed Dave, who was sitting next to him.

"Ow, what?"

"What are they talking about? I heard Kar's name." John hissed. Dave shrugged and looked back over his shoulder.

"I dunno. He, Aradia and Sollux are absent right now. I've caught a few words from our chatty classmates about the headmaster or something." Dave paused and poked the pocket of John's robes. "Dude, you've got Karkat's number, just text him and ask for yourself."

John's face lit up. "Oh yeah, I do have his number! Gimme a sec."

John pulled out his phone and opened the SMS client he used to talk to his friends.

\-- ectoBiologist[EB] started pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG] at 11:09 --  
[EB]:karkat  
[EB]:its john  
[EB]:where are you  
[EB]:theres some weird rumours going around  
[EB]:i heard you were in the headmasters office  
[EB]:youre not in trouble right  
[CG]:OH MY GOD EGDERP SHUT UP  
[CG]:IM NOT IN TROUBLE NO AND YES IM IN THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE  
[CG]:OR IM RIGHT OUTSIDE IT ANYWAY  
[CG]:IM WITH ARADIA AND SOLLUX  
[EB]:but why what happened  
[EB]:are you okay  
[CG]:YES IM FINE  
[CG]:AND WHAT HAPPENED IS NOBODIES FUCKING BUISNESS  
[CG]:BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW  
[CG]:SOMEONE DIED  
[EB]:wait what  
[EB]:hold on

\-- ectoBiologist[EB] added turntechGodhead[TG] to the chat at 11:13 --  
[TG]:oh damn  
[TG]:it finally happened vantas finally snapped  
[TG]:whatd the poor kid do to make you kill him  
[CG]:I DIDNT KILL HIM FUCKASS  
[CG]:SORRY TO DISAPPOINT  
[TG]:yeah you should be i am disappointed  
[TG]:what happened though srsly  
[CG]:EXACTLY WHAT I SAID SOMEONE DIED  
[CG]:OKAY SO ARADIA SOLLUX ME TAVROS GAMZEE AND A FEW OTHERS GREW UP TOGETHER RIGHT  
[CG]:SO WE ALL KNOW WHAT EACH OTHER CAN DO  
[CG]:AND ARADIA CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE  
[EB]:woah! like the sixth sense?!  
[CG]:WHAT  
[TG]:oh my god john not the time

\-- turntechGodhead[TG] added timaeusTestified[TT] and golgothasTerror[GT] to the chat at 11:20 --  
[GT]:oh that was a *fantastic* movie!  
[GT]:i absolutely adored it!  
[CG]:WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU   
[CG]:DAVE WHAT THE HELL WHO SAID YOU COULD DRAG MORE PEOPLE INTO THIS  
[TT]:yeah dave stop dragging more people into this  
[TG]:bro wtf  
[TG]:whatd you do to my phone  
[TT]:more like my phone  
[TT]:i rootkited your phone ages ago dude im a little sad you hadnt noticed  
[EB]:ah you must be the other strider and mr muscle tee  
[GT]:mr muscle tee?  
[TT]:youre mr muscle tee jake  
[TT]:i mean unless you wanna be daves bro  
[TT]:ill warn you hes a little shit though  
[GT]:dirk im sure your brother is a perfectly lovely chap  
[TG]:oh god he still talks like that  
[TT]:yeah i know right  
[GT]:oi theres nothing wrong with how i talk my vernacular is just a little dated  
[TG]:i didnt understand half of that  
[GT]:thats because you lot grew up in america and america has absolutely dismal literacy rates compared to us  
[EB]:im so confused whats going on  
[CG]:I WAS TRYING TO TELL A STORY BUT STRIDER ONE INVITED STRIDER TWO AND STRIDER TWOS BOYFRIEND TO JOIN THE CHAT   
[CG]:AND TOTALLY INTERRUPTED ME  
[TT]:hey im older i should be strider one  
[TG]:dude were twins  
[TT]:im still older  
[GT]:and im not dating dirk  
[TT]: </3  
[CG]:  
[CG]:CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP SO I CAN FINISH TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED  
[EB]:i still dont even know what happened!!! how did dirk and jake get in here???  
[TT]:ok basically i hacked daves phone and added jake and myself to the conversation and now the shouty grey text is going to tell us who died and how his friend got her sixth sense i see dead people thing  
[EB]:ah thank you dirk  
[TT]:np  
[CG]:I AM NOT "THE SHOUTY GREY TEXT" MY NAME IS KARKAT  
[CG]:AND ARADIA IS NOT A CHARACTER FROM ONE OF YOUR SHITTY MOVIES  
[CG]:BUT YES SHE CAN SEE DEAD PEOPLE SHE HAS THIS RESSURECTION ROCK THINGY THAT LETS THE SPIRIT OF ANYONE WHO GET KILLED IN A KILOMETER OF HER VISIT HER AFTER THEY DIE  
[CG]:AND CAUSE SHES SO DAMN NICE TO EVERYONE EVEN IF SHE HASNT MET THEM ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE FLOCK TO HER LIKE CATS TO AN OLD WOMAN [CG]:ANY WAY THE BELLS ABOUT TO RING  
[CG]:MEET ME OUTSIDE OF THE GREAT HALL OKAY  
\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] closed the chat at 11:44 --

Sure enough, the bell rang a minute later, cutting off the ramblings of the old potion master. John shot out of the room, pulling Dave along with him. When they reached the great hall, Karkat was already there, leaning against the wall next to Dirk. Jake was sitting down by Dirk's feet, texting. Karkat raised an eyebrow when they stopped in front of him, a little winded. He jerked his head towards the courtyard and they walked outside.

In the center of the courtyard was the crow tree that nobody wanted to go near, a twisted and malformed bunch of wood that crows and ravens used as a perch. Under the tree, Aradia and a thin, nerdy looking boy that John assumed was Sollux were standing, waiting for them. They sat down in a circle facing each other, and John looked over to Karkat.

"Okay, so someone want to explain the whole 'someone's dead and Aradia can see ghosts' thing?" Dirk asks.

Aradia looks over at him and sighs. "Well, basically what you just said. I've got a rock and it lets me talk to dead people." She paused. "I'm going to assume what you really want to know is how the deceased died, right?"

Everyone except Jake, who was still on his phone, nodded vigorously.

"Okay, so the dead guy was a second year, nobody really important to us. In fact, from what I understand, who he is is completely irrelevant." Aradia said calmly. "He was killed simply because he was easy for the murderer to lure out away from everyone else."

John was taken aback by her tone. It was more then just calm, he realised, it was cold. It was like she didn't even care that someone had literally died. But that made sense, in a way. She had grown up with this rock, with the ability to see dead people. When you are raised knowing that you'll get to see dead relatives or loved ones again whenever you want to call them back, knowing that there is an afterwards to your life, wouldn't that take the meaning of death out? John was struck with the sudden realisation that Aradia was, in some ways, more dangerous then whoever had killed the second year boy. Because the murderer had taken life purposefully, knowing the power behind it. But Aradia, she was different. She would kill simply because she didn't realise that dying was bad.

"What the reason was for killing him, I don't know, however." Aradia finished.

"Wait, Aradia. You told Headmath'ter Huth'ie that you didn't know who killed him. Do you?" The other boy, Sollux asked.

Aradia nodded. "Yes, I know who she is. It was Vriska."

There was a long moment of silence, then everyone seemed to ask the same thing at the same moment.

"WHAT?!?!"

Aradia shrugged. "Well, he said Vriska killed him. I didn't tell the headmaster because I know word of this is going to get out and I don't want the full extent of my abilities known. When people hear of this, they'll know I can see the dead, but not that I can talk to them. Besides, it'll be discovered soon enough who killed him. Vriska bit him; not exactly subtle."

John turned to Dave, confused. "Bit him? What is she, a snake?"

Dave smirked and shook his head. "She's a Jorogumo, a Japanese spider demon that takes the form of a seductive woman." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively above his shades and John flushed a little defensively. "She's a young one, though. Since Hogwarts started letting in all magical humanoids, the Jorogumo have been sending all of their precious young here. I'd be careful. The Jorogumo have thousands, or hundreds of thousands of babies, but most die in a post-hatching fight to the death. The ones that do survive are the strongest, smartest, most ruthless. Vriska's definitely not one to be fucked with."

John frowned and nodded. So, real life spider girl, except scarier and definitely not a hero. “What are we going to do about her? We can't just leave her be, right?” John asked.

Dirk nodded. “Kid's right. She's a murderer, we need to keep tabs on her somehow.”

Aradia smiled faintly. “I know. I had Karkat ask one of his friends that he thinks can help us to come.”

Karkat glanced across the courtyard. “Speak of the devil and she shall appear.” He said.

There was a blind girl with red sunglasses and a dragon headed cane making her way assuredly across the uneven cobblestones of the courtyard towards them. She smiled toothily when she came near, baring a double row of sharp teeth.

“Hello.” She drawled. “Dave, you smell as lovely as ever.”

“Hey 'Rezi.” Dave nodded to her and she licked her lips and sat down on his other side, opposite of John.

“So, what am I needed for?” She asked.

Karkat looked at her and sighed. “There's been a murder. We know who and how but not why. And we need to make sure it doesn't happen again.”

Terezi's face twisted into a sardonic smirk. “Oooh, you know who and how but only I know why.”

“What?” Sollux asked, his face scrunching in confusion.

Terezi tossed her cornrowed hair back proudly. “Vriska Serket killed a second year boy with her venom, because she needed someone to die in order to see Tavros' pet horse-dragon.” A dreamy look came over her face when she said the last bit.

“Tavros has a thestral?” Dirk asked incredulously. Jake glanced up from his phone for a moment at the sound, but then quickly looked back down.

“Yes, a thestral! A baby one. So, in response to your request, I am already following Vriska Serket to make sure she does not harm Tavros,the protector of baby horse-dragons. Although, I rather doubt I'll need to protect Tavros much longer, for several reasons.” She lowered her glasses and winked at Karkat secretively, making him roll his eyes in feigned annoyance. “But yes, I will start to make sure she doesn't harm anyone. If you really want to be safe, you might want to set your purple sister on her. She's quite good at figuring people out.” Terezi turned her sightless gaze to Dave again and nodded before getting up and leaving.

“Who's your purple sister?” John asked. Dave smiled.

“Rose Lalonde. She's a ravenclaw. She's not really my sister, I just call her that. But Terezi is right, Rose is freaky good at figuring people out. Like seriously, she reads Freud's essays for fun. Like it's bedtime stories or some shit. Want me to ask her to come out here?” Dave said.

Aradia looked thoughtful for a moment. “No, it's not necessary. I think we've got her in our class next period, right Dave? We can just ask her then. Besides, lunch is going to end soon.”

Sollux raised his hand to get everyone's attention. “Juth't want to make this clear to everyone. Don't approach Vrith'ka. If th'he cometh up to you and talkth to you, talk back to her, act normal. But don't th'eek her out or follow her or anything. That'th Terezi'th job. We all juth't need to keep under her radar. Clearly, th'he'th capable of killing and we don't want any of uth dying, right?”

“Yeah, just don't be a fuckass. Or a bigger one then usual.” Karkat said, looking right at John.

“Why are you looking at me?” John protested.

“Because you're the most likely to get yourself into shit.”

John pouted and hugged Dave's arm. “Dave. Karkat's being mean. Make him stop.”

Dave rolled his eyes. “I'll keep him out of trouble, KitKat, don't worry.” Dave pointedly ignored the amused look Dirk threw their way.

When the lunch bell rang to say that lunch was over, Dave and John were running through the halls again, trying to find Rose. Fortunately, she was pretty easy to spot. She was with her girlfriend, a young natural-born vampire named Kanaya, who was several inches taller then most students.

Rose wasn't too short herself, but Kanaya was easily over six feet tall. And Kanaya also glowed a little. Apparently all natural-borns did it, but the older you get the easier it is to control it and shut it off, hence she would be like a light bulb for a while. Inconvenient at times, sure, but damn it made finding her in Hogwarts' dim corridors a hell of a lot easier.

Plus, Dave had walked in on some pretty cute scenes where Rose and Kanaya would be sitting out on the couch together in the middle of the night, Kanaya sewing or cuddling Rose as she read a book by her girlfriend's natural light.

Dave and John finally stopped outside of the charms classroom, both a little out of breath. As the oung woman teaching charms began to excitedly chatter on about whatever they'd be learning today, John leaned over to Dave.

“Okay, so I got that Vriska's a Jorogumo, you're human and Kanaya is a vampire, but what's Terezi?” He asked.

Dave grinned. It was kind of endearing, how little John knew about other humanoid species. “She's half dragon, half human. From what I gathered, her sister and her are the only half-dragons in existence. She's allowed to attend on the caveat that she doesn't take dragon for while inside the castle.”

John's eyes widened. “What? How come there's only two of them? And how would you even make a half-dragon?”

Dave made a face. “Trust me, you don't want to know how Terezi and Latula were made. And Terezi's blind, right? But she can smell colours. Latula's the opposite, from what I've heard, she can't smell. But she can see scents. The dragons consider those genetic defects and have refused to make any more half-dragons. Plus, both girls' dragon forms are considerably different from 'normal' dragons'.”

John nodded, his face alight with a childlike amazement. Dave decided to play with him a little more.

“Hey John. You know when you said Vriska was a Jorogumo, I was human and Kanaya was a vampire?” Dave asked.

“Yeah?” John turned to look at him.

Dave tipped down the edge of his sunglasses, showing John his bright red eyes. “When did I ever say I was human?”

 

===>Be Jake And Find Out Who You're Texting

Jake looked down at his phone, more then a little oblivious to what was being said and done around him. Jane was texting him, one of his oldest friends, besides Dirk. He had just recently found out that John, Dirk's little brother's new friend was her half brother. It was pretty cool, in his opinion.

\--  gutsyGumshoe[GG] began pestering golgothasTerror[GT] at 12:27 --  
[GG]:hey jakey  
[GT]:hey janey  
[GG]:ive actually got something important to tell you? please dont get freaked out  
[GT]:sure what is it? id never get freaked out i promise janey youre my best girl  
[GG]:ok  
[GG]:so jake   
[GG]:the thing is  
[GG]:i really like you  
[GT]:aww i really like you too  
[GG]:no no no  
[GG]:i dont mean it like that  
[GG]:i mean i really *like* you  
[GG]:not a friend/friend kinda like  
[GG]:but a boyfriend/girlfriend kinda like  
[GT]:oh  
[GG]:yeah  
[GT]:well do you wanna give it a go then?  
[GG]:we can just be friends i mean i dont ha-  
[GG]:wait  
[GG]:what??  
[GG]:you want to try dating?!?!  
[GT]:well yeah why not  
[GG]:really!!!!  
[GT]:yes!!!!  
[GG]:yay!! ill see you next period then boyfriend  
[GT]:yes!! see you next period girlfriend  
\-- gutsyGumshoe[GG]  ceased pestering golgothasTerror[GT] at 12:38 --

\-- golgothasTerror[GT] began pestering timaeusTestified[TT] at 12:40 --  
[GT]:dirk guess what  
[GT]:janey asked me out  
[GT]:i have a girlfriend now!!! wooo!!!  
\-- golgothasTerror[GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified[TT] at 12:42 --

[TT]:wait what  
[TT]:no jake  
[TT]:fuck

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--   
>  arachnidsGrip[AG]  
>  opened a memo   
>  MY HELLA THOUGHTS  
>  at 16:03 --  
> [AG]:so i heard youre all trying to kill me  
> [AG]:which is pretty not cool  
> [AG]:i mean all i did was kill a guy  
> [AG]:like seriously i have done worse 8efore  
> [AG]:and also you cant kill me with my own venom  
> [AG]:which is 8y the way the venom of the 8lack widow  
> [AG]:8ut it doesnt matter 8ecause youll never kill me anyway ::::)  
> \--   
>  arachnidsGrip[AG]  
>  closed the memo  
>  MY HELLA THOUGHTS   
>  at 16:07 --


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short ass lil chapter i swear the next one will be longer and also will be posted soonish

Chapter 4

 

===>Be A Depressed And Confused Dirk

Dirk was sitting in one of the only two classes he didn't have with Jake, next to his best friend Roxy. Apparently, they were both in the same predicament.

“Like, she didn't even tell me. What the literal fuck. I thought we were best buddies. Hell, I kinda thought we were a little more. But nope, apparently not, 'cause my woman is just going to go off and date your man.” Roxy sighed. Dirk nodded, staring silently at the desk.

Roxy tended to be more verbose when she was upset then Dirk really ever got, but it worked for them. Roxy let off steam and Dirk took comfort in knowing someone else felt the way he did with out having to loose the patented Strider Cool.

“Damn, if you weren't strictly into guys only, I'd say we should totally date. We'd make a fucking awesome couple. Not to mention our babies would be totes adorbs.”

Dirk cracked a little smile at that. “Oh yeah, our little magical freak babies. If I can even have kids, of course. You do realise most half-breeds are infertile.”

Roxy rolled her eyes. “Psht. Given what you are, I bet you could have kids. If you ever wanna test it out, though, just ask me.” She winked jokingly at him.

“Sure thing, Ro-Lal.”

Dirk sighed again and picked up his wand, lazily flicking it and muttering the levitation charm to get the feather they were practising on up into the air. It bounced a few times, then steadied and remained suspended. Dirk looked up at it somewhat resentfully. What right did that bloody feather have to sit all happily up in the air while the boy he loved was dating one of his best friends?

It was basically the shittiest dating situation ever. Jane was one of his best friends, he'd known her, Jake and Roxy forever through the internet. So while normally, he could pull the jealous friend and sabotage their relationship if it was anyone else, with Jane, he couldn't. He just had to leave it be.

===>Be John And Try To Figure Out What Dave Is

John was chewing his lip, totally zoned out of whatever the transfiguration lesson was. Dave was whispering furiously to Rose, who was sitting in front of them. The teacher had told them what they were supposed to be doing but, of the four of them, only Kanaya was even trying. John was trying to run through a list of what creatures Dave and Dirk could possibly be. Of course, being a muggleborn made it a little hard.

He startled when Dave tapped his shoulder. “Dude, you've got everyone's handles, right? Set up a group chat with them.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah sure.” John dug his phone out, but hastily shoved it under the desk as the teacher walked by, quickly putting a serious look on his face and brandishing his wand at the snail in front of him. He didn't remember what the incantation was, so he just moved his mouth and imagined the snail becoming a small pouch. To his surprise, the tip of his wand glowed blue for a split second and the snail did just that. The instructor nodded approvingly and moved on, leaving John to stare at his ex-snail.

He shrugged and pulled his phone back out, getting ready to create a memo board.

\-- ectoBiologist[EB] opened a memo board  THE VRISKA THING at 13:37 --  
[GC]:R34LLY J0HN  
[GC]:SUBTL3 N4M3   
[EB]:what I thought it was okay I mean everyone knows what this is about now  
[GT]:i dont whats the vriska thing whos vriska for that matter  
[TT]:  
[TG]:oh my god jake shut up  
[AA]:wait wh0s she  
[AA]:i sh0uld pr0bably just ask wh0 all is in here right n0w  
[TT]:im here  
[CG]:IM HERE TOO  
[EB]:well I started this so  
[TG]:sup im here  
[TG]:o im here 2 my names roxy im driks bffsy  
[TG]:*dirk  
[TA]:iim here obviiou2ly  
[GT]:im here but I havent the faintest whats going on  
[TG]:yeah too busy macking on the gf huh  
[TT]:ro lal thanks but chill  
[GC]:1 W4S TH3 F1R5T 0N3 T0 T4LK 1N H3R3  
[TT]:i am present  
[GA]:As Am I  
[AA]:0kay s0 we have every0ne then g00d  
[AA]:j0hn did y0u and dave talk t0 r0se and kanaya  
[AA]:have y0u guys g0tten her psych0analysis 0r whatever it is terezi thinks she can d0  
[TG]:yeah I filled her in on the situation  
[TG]:you wanna tell 'em yourself?  
[TT]:yes I intend to thank yourself  
[TT]:it's really quite simple  
[TT]:she was jealous  
[EB]:what?!   
[TT]:of tavros  
[TT]:she was envious of his ability to see the thestral  
[TT]:after all, she picked him out specifically because he is crippled and therefore 'lower' then her, at least in her eyes  
[TT]:shes probably afraid of being weak and chooses to surround herself with weaker people so she isnt killed [TT]:so finding out that there was something he could do better then her, despite his disability, was very unsettling to her  
[GA]:Remember, She Is A Jorogumo. There Is A Chance She Does Not Realise Killing Is Not Socially Acceptable.  
– Memo boardTHE VRISKA THING closed at 14:02 --

John sighed quietly and closed the window with the group chat. He hadn't even gotten a chance to ask anyone what Dave was. Glancing over at his friend, he made sure Dave was preoccupied by talking to Rose and Kanaya before he opened another chat window in his phone.

– ectoBiologist[EB] started pestering golgothasTerror[GT] at 14:04 –   
[EB]:hey jake ive got an important question  
[GT]:sure thing what is it  
[EB]:do you know what species dirk and dave are  
[GT]:you mean they're not human???  
[EB]:well dave just said they werent  
[EB]:red eyes arent exactly normal either  
[GT]:dave has red eyes?   
[GT]:weird I would have thought hed have orange ones like dirk  
[GT]:huh now that I think about it you're right they probably arent human  
[EB]:you didnt know? I thought youd all been friends forever  
[GT]:yeah we have been it just never came up I guess  
[GT]:explains a lot though  
[EB]:explains a lot? Like what?  
[GT]:well dirk is really fond of flashstepping as he calls it  
[GT]:i never figured out how he does it but basically its somewhere between teleporting and running  
[GT]:and daves freaky strong  
[GT]:he may not look like it but damn he throws some mean punches that kid  
[EB]:huh  
[EB]:well do you know what they might be then? Im muggleborn so ive got no clue  
[GT]:no I dont know either sorry  
[GT]:gotta go now the girlfriends talking to me  
[GT]:catcha later old chap  
[EB]:bye  
– ectoBiologist[EB] ceased pestering golgothasTerror[GT] at 14:13 – 

John sighed. Well, that had been helpful. Not.

 

 

===>Be Gamzee And Stalk Tavbro

Gamzee glowered at the wall. People were just not being nice today. All he wanted to do was go see Tavros, like he did everyday. But no. He couldn't do that, apparently. Tavros had totally captivated him since day one on the Hogwarts Express. The first few days had been great, he'd get up and follow Tavros around. No one would stop him, or try to draw Tavros away from where he could watch the paralysed boy. But then the spider came along.

Gamzee didn't know her name and, if he was being honest, didn't care. All he knew was that he didn't like her. She hadn't done anything bad to his Tavros yet, but she was going to. He could tell. She came back to the Slytherin common room a few days ago smelling of blood. And now there was another girl following the spider and his Tav.

The new girl sparked his immediate dislike. She wasn't anything special, and she didn't try to move in on Tavros, but from the moment he first saw her red glasses, he'd hated her. And she had noticed him. Even the spider, with her strong eyes and clever brain, hadn't noticed him. But this new girl, she had. From the first day she appeared, he'd had to duck behind corners to escape her red glare. She was blind, so there wasn't any realistic way she could see him, but he still got the uncomfortable feeling of being observed when she looked at him.

But even worse was the people she had brought with her. After the spider had come back smelling of blood, other people had started to float around Tavros. Aradia, Sollux and Karkat had gotten involved, and they brought with them other students. So now, instead of watching Tavros like he wanted to right now, he had to sit down behind the stone rail of the stairs, where the others couldn't see him. He could still hear the sweet cadence of Tavros' voice from a few floors below, but he didn't dare look up to see him.

Really, it was all the spider bitch's fault. Suddenly, Gamzee had a brilliant idea. What if he killed her? The others were watching her, not Tavros. So if she died, they wouldn't have any reason to bother Tavros and he could continue in peace. He smiled to himself, imagining that. He didn't notice his oldest friend sit down next to him and give him a look.

“You can't do that, you know.”

Gamzee's head snapped to the left, his lips parting slightly in the hint of a growl. Karkat was leaning on the railing next to him, one eyebrow raised delicately. Gamzee relaxed and smirked back at him.

“Can't motherfucking do what?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Kill anyone. Don't even try to argue with me; I've seen that look on you before.”

“Why not? It'd solve all of our motherfucking problems. With that bitch all dead and shit, no one will need to get all up in my business.”

Karkat sighed and shook his head. “Because this time I can't just cover it up for you, you dumb bulgelicker. This is different and you'll get caught.” Karkat paused and looked straight into Gamzee's eyes. “How about, instead of killing Vriska, you push her away. Aradia, Sollux and I are gonna take care of her. How about you take care of Tavros, instead of just watching?”

Karkat glanced away, knowing he had settled that suggestion firmly into Gamzee's head. Gamzee shrugged. Why not, after all? It was a good idea. No need to kill Vriska. He could just threaten her into leaving his Tavros alone. And, maybe, he could actually talk to Tavros, too. He wondered why talking to Tavros hadn't occurred to him before. Maybe at dinner, he would.

 

 

===>Be Dirk Again

Dirk walked down to the last class of the day, having just said good-bye to Roxy. She really was amazing at times like this. She'd gone from ranting about Jane and Jake to ranting about all of her teachers and most of her housemates, her snarky comments lifting his sour mood. Perhaps that had been her goal? Either way, he appreciated it.

As he got closer to the door to the classroom, he noticed two dark-haired people standing by the door. Jake and Jane. And they were kissing. It wasn't like serious we're-trying-to-make-babies-in-the-corridor kissing, but it was still enough to make Dirk's mood fall. Plummet, really. He felt like there was something lodged in his throat and and his chest constrict as he watched them kiss. Some little masochistic part of him wouldn't let him look away from them.

When Jake pulled away and smiled at her, Dirk pushed his way through the crowd and past them, into the classroom. He scanned the seats and chose one next to Feferi, one of the two half-mer first years. The other half-mer, Eridan, sat on Feferi's other side, so Jake would have to find a seat at one of the other tables on the opposite side of the room. Maybe it wasn't fair to Jake, but it didn't really matter. If Jake tried to talk to him right now, he'd probably break down.

The class was excruciating. Dirk couldn't focus on the lesson at all. His gaze kept sliding reflexively over to Jake, only for him to have to wrench it away. Even if he wasn't looking, he could feel Jake's eyes on him the whole time. When the bell rang, he got up and walked briskly out, even flashstepping outside the door to give him the extra second to get lost in the crowd. He kept walking, pushing past people and flying around corners without checking to see if Jake was trying to follow him. He hoped he was, even if he knew realistically that his jungle boy had probably gone to meet his girlfriend.

When Dirk finally slowed down front of the entrance to the slytherin common room, he was angry and felt like crying. Angry at Jake, angry at himself. He stormed past the other first years and into his room, shutting and locking the door, before he flopped down on his bed.

It just wasn't fair. He was Jake's first friend, his best friend, his strife partner. He was the one who'd been in love with the oblivious boy for years. That was the problem with waiting , apparently. Other people won't wait for you like you will for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I just really like smart Gamzee. Like a lot of people portray him as a little on the 'fucking idiot' side but honestly I think irl he'd probably be smart, if a tad sadistic. Like an antisocial person. Antisocial as in the actual personality disorder not just asocial.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://lil-cal-is-the-shit.tumblr.com/post/135094065732/ikimaru-jake-you-cant-just-exploit-your-bfs
> 
> Look at this cute fucking shit. Look at it. 
> 
> Also that's my tumblr if anyone cares. I might be posting some doodles of this fic too, they'll be in the tumblr tag #LOCAM.

===>Fast Forward A Week And Be Gamzee

Gamzee was lying down on the benches of the great hall with his head in Tavros' lap. The smaller boy was reading a book about the different magical creatures. His little thestral had seated itself around Tavros' feet on the floor and Gamzee was dangling one hand down to stroke it's leathery wings. His other hand was holding a copy of the Quibbler that had been delivered at breakfast.

Apparently, in a town a little north of London, there had been a huge massacre. It was exactly Lord English's M.O., meaning the women had been killed first and the men allowed to fight for a bit before they had been killed as well. Every last person, including the children had been killed with the same type of broadsword that Lord English favoured. The town had been a mixed one, both muggles and wizards, so both police forces were investigating. It was looking rather messy, the whole thing, and Gamzee suspected there would be some changes in security protocols at Hogwarts to account for the latest attack. He rolled his eyes and set down the paper on the table, casting a glance off to the left.

The girl with the red glasses, Terezi, was on the other side of the room with the spider bitch. Karkat had been right; once he had introduced himself to Tavros and started to actually be around him all the time, everyone else had backed off.

It kind of reminded him of what had happened with his older brother Kurloz a few years ago. One of Kurloz's classmates, a cat animagus named Meulin, had been getting bullied by some older kids until Kurloz had decided to come out of the shadows and talked to her. Once he'd appeared, all the other kids had cleared off. Gamzee idly wondered what it was about his family that scared other people. Maybe they were just weak. Tavros leant forward to rest his elbows on the table. He dropped one hand down to absent-mindedly pet his curly hair and Gamzee hummed contentedly and dismissed the thought.

 

A little while later, Tavros gently prodded him back to full awareness from where he had been dozing in his lap.

“Hmmmhmgf.” He mumbled, turning so he could look up at Tav.

“Um, I finished my book and I was going to go down to the kitchen? To get Osseus some food and stuff, you know, so I just wanted to see if you wanted to come? You don't have to if you don't want to.” Tavros said hesitantly. Gamzee sat up and smiled.

“Sure, Tavbro, I'll come with.”

Tavros smiled and moved to shift himself into his wheelchair, but Gamzee stepped forward and scooped him up first. Tavros squealed and locked his arms around Gamzee's neck, his eyes wide.

“Um, what are you doing? Gamzee!”

The taller boy laughed and swung him around in a circle before setting him gently in the wheelchair. Tavros was surprised, but not angry and it took it a moment longer than it should have for him to let go of Gamzee's neck. Once he was sitting back down, he snapped and his little thestral came out from under the table. Gamzee began to push him down towards the kitchens, Osseus following them like a skeletal horse-puppy.

The pear portrait that was the door to the kitchen swung open when they approached and a half dozen imps peered out from their various cooking stations happily.

Choruses of “Master Nitram!” and “Welcome back!” echoed through the large, crowded room. Tavros smiled at the imps and waved to them.

“Hello.” He smiled at the two that had come out to meet him. They bowed a little, their big eyes shining at him. One of them gently petted Osseus, who made a soft clacking noise with his beak.

“Do you just want a package like last time, Master?” One of the imps asked. Tavros nodded, letting Osseus climb up into his lap as a few more imps came out to pet him. Gamzee looked around the kitchen boredly until one imp ran up to him with a bottle of peach mango Faygo. He grinned and accepted the bottle, nodding to the imp who had brought it in thanks. A few minutes later another elf came back with a package not unlike the one you would get from a butcher's shop.

Tavros took it from the imps with a pleased thank you and held the package up, away from Osseus, who was sniffing at it with great interest. He used a free arm to gently move Osseus off his lap, pushing the edge of his mohawk out of his eyes and setting the package back down. Gamzee wheeled him out of the kitchen.

“Where are we up and headed to now, Tavbro?” He asked.

Tavros shrugged. “Let's just go out by the greenhouse and feed him out there. He's a little messy.”

Gamzee nodded and started off in that direction, the thestral following closely at his heels. The sun was getting lower when they got outside, reflecting beautifully off the lake.

Tavros smiled a little as he began to fish out strips of raw meat and toss them out into the grass in front of him. Osseus pounced on them as soon as they hit the ground, tossing the bits up into the air and swallowing them whole. On a few of the bigger pieces he had to stop and rip off parts with his sharp beak so they'd be easier to swallow.

Gamzee smiled at the thought of what this must look like to a normal person; two students sitting outside, watching raw meat tear itself to pieces and vanish. Kinda trippy.

Osseus finished his meal pretty quickly and looked up at Tavros with hopeful eyes. Tavros sighed fondly and said “Oh, all right.” The little thestral climbed back up into Tavros' lap and curled up there, falling asleep happily. Tavros looked down at the small animal with an almost maternal gaze.

Gamzee thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen.

“Back to Gryffindor tower?” He asked. Tavros nodded, petting Osseus, who was now making small noises, gently.

When they arrived at the portrait, Tavros looked up at him.

“Thanks for hanging with me today, Gamzee. And thanks for helping me with him.”

“You're welcome, bro. No problem.” Gamzee was about to go to leave when he changed his mind and turned back to Tavros. Bracing his hands on the arm rests on either side of the wheelchair, he leant down and kissed the other boy softly. Just as he was about to pull back, Tavros' hand shot up and grabbed his loosened tie, pulling him back down for another kiss. There was a light blush across Tavros' cheeks when he pulled back for the second time and he smiled up at Gamzee.

“See you tomorrow.”

 

 

===>Be Dave and Go To Quidditch Tryouts With John

Dave had his hands firmly ensconced in his pockets as he watched his friend jump around. They were standing on the grass of the quidditch pitch, looking at the four different teams currently testing new fliers and potential members. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw were at one end of the pitch, Gryffindor and Slytherin at the other.

As soon as they had gotten in sight, John had broken into a run, heading towards the gryffindor team and forcing Dave to run off after him. They were a little late to the tryouts, but only by an hour or two. John had run up to the captain of the team, excitedly asking if he could try out. The gryffindor captain, a tall boy with a pinched face, had given John a dismissive once over before nodding, shooting a look over to the incumbent keeper that clearly said, “can you believe this kid?”

Dave had to laugh to himself as he watched the two other first years that were trying out wobble overhead on their broomsticks. Even the handful of third years that had gone up before were leagues away from John in terms of talent. He allowed himself a small smirk when the captain called the other pair down and motioned for John to come up and try.

John's partner was a shorter kid with cropped brown hair who clutched his broom nervously and nearly tripped over it trying to get on. As soon as the two got up into the air, the captain tossed a golf ball up, quickly enchanting it to move.

“Okay boys, try to catch it.” He called out, finishing with an eye roll that Dirk would have been proud of. John's partner immediately jerked off after it, his face a perfect picture of constipation. John hovered where he was for a moment, then started to lazily fly around in circles, eyes scanning the pitch and occasionally watching the other boy.

John flew up to the three hoops in the scoring zone, hovering just above the rings. He let the wind push him, slowly drifting this way and that until it seemed more like the pitch was moving around him. The captain was staring up at him curiously. Suddenly, John broke off from his drift and swooped down to the ground gracefully. He barely seemed to move until he reached the ground, getting off the old broom smoothly and opening his hand to the captain.

Dave watched, with a little pride in his friend, as the golf ball flew out of John's grasp and began to dart around in the air by him. The captain looked over to the keeper with a raised eyebrow, then back at John.

“Well, well. First one today.” The captain paused and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. “Here's the training schedule. Welcome to the team..?”

“John. John Egbert.”

The captain nodded and stuck out his hand to shake. “I'm Owen Cane. Nice to meet you, Egbert. You'll make a great seeker.”

John waited until Cane had turned away before he turned and almost jumped on Dave, excitedly flapping his arms.

“I made it on the team, Dave! I actually made it! My dad's gonna be so happy! Holy fuck, I made it! I don't even know what I just tried out for!”

Dave let out a snort at that. Only Egbert would try out for something without knowing what it was. He half smiled at gryffindor and ruffled his hair.

“Yeah, good job Egderp. Now if you'll excuse me, I have my own tryouts to do.”

John followed him over to where the slytherin team was holding their tryouts. The slytherin captain was much harsher then Cane had been, shouting and snapping at the kids up in the air. They had already had their seeker for the year and were doing tryouts for keeper. One of returning chasers was lounging on her broom twenty feet away from the goal posts, lobbing quaffles at the candidates and summoning them back.

Dave sighed quietly at the slow reflexes of the kids currently trying out. Only one of the kids was managing to do a half decent job. Then again, they probably didn't grow up with a twin who would routinely attack them with swords or set up dangerous pranks like a fridge full of smuppets and fireworks.

The captain heard his sigh an whirled on him with a vicious expression that probably would have sent any lesser first year squalling.

“What? You think you can do better? Wanna prove it?” He snarled, waving a hand at one of the kids to call them down. Dave shrugged with one shoulder and grabbed the broom the kid before him left, gliding smoothly up to fill the empty space. The chaser who was up there with them's eyes lit up and she tossed the ball at Dave. It was an easy, straight shot and Dave lazily batted it away.

The chaser raised an eyebrow and fired the ball at the two others before attempting a feint and throwing it at Dave, who headbutted it away, them smoothed down his hair. As he was fixing his hair the chaser threw it at him again, this time adding a slight spin. Dave leant to the side, using his thighs to grip the broom and kicked the ball back, still fixing his hair. The chaser girl grinned ferally at him and jerked her head down at the captain. The two other first years followed her down to talk to the captain.

They whispered together for a moment before the captain nodded and jerked his chin at Dave.

“You're on. The rest of you, go back and figure out what the hell a broom is. Maybe I'll see you next year if you manage to learn how to get on a flying piece of wood.”

The chaser girl came up to him after the other kids had walked away.

“Hey, were you here earlier today? I could have sworn I saw you try out for seeker or something.”

Dave sighed and shook his head. “Nah, I've got a twin brother. He must have crawled out of his pity party to come try out.”

The girl nodded. “Well, you're both very good. Look forward to having you on the team. I'll see you at practise on Friday.” She winked at him as she went to leave, and Dave noticed she added an extra swing to her hips.

“What did she want?” John appeared at his shoulder, sounding annoyed. Dave cast a glance at him and set his broom down. He guided John away from the acerbic slytherin captain and back towards the castle.

“Just to say she was happy to have me on the team. Apparently Dirk tried out for seeker earlier today, though.”

John muttered something in a somewhat pissy tone under his breath about the the chaser girl and Dave chuckled.

“Getting jealous there, eh?” He teased.

John went a little red and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. “No! I am not! You can talk to whomever you wish.”

Dave paused and looked at John seriously for a moment. He had really only been teasing, but it looked like John actually was jealous? Dave shook his head and internally sighed at himself. He was probably imagining it. John was just dramatic, that was all. Dave thought for a moment about trying to reach out and feel for John's emotions, just to find out, but he decided not to. He was really never very good at telepathy. Not like Dirk, anyway, who was a freaking genius at it. Too good, really. Dave had trouble reaching out of his head, and Dirk had trouble keeping it in his head.

 

 

===>Be Jake “The Oblivious” English

Jake was sitting in history class, by himself. Since he and Jane had started dating, neither Roxy or Dirk would speak to him. Well, Roxy wouldn't. Dirk just avoided him like the plague, so he assumed he wasn't speaking to him either. Even Janey had started acting a little odd the past few days. It was hard, and he didn't like it one bit.

Sure, having Jane as a girlfriend was nice, but he'd much rather have all his friends and no girlfriend then one girlfriend and no friends. And, as sweet as she was, Jane didn't really meet Jake's expectations of his first girlfriend. In his movies, a girlfriend or boyfriend had always been something amazing and intense. With Jane it was just sort of like they were still friends, but they held hands and kissed. She would look at Jake with affection that was a little less guarded, but if he was being honest with himself, he didn't really feel too different about her.

Maybe he could just break up with her and go back to being friends. He'd get Dirk back like that, right? Nodding to himself, Jake picked up his bag and left the classroom. Professor Binns didn't notice, as always, and Jake set off for the first place he knew Dirk would go if he were skipping class. The chamber of secrets.

When Jake got to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, the entrance to the chamber was already open, meaning Dirk had gone in, but not come back out. Jake didn't hesitate to jump into the tunnel, throwing his arms up and cheering as he hurtled down the slide. The landing was much softer this time, and Jake looked down to see that not only were the rodent bones gone, but Dirk had also casted a cushioning charm. Apparently that was what Dirk spent so much time doing when he was down here. He was cleaning.

Jake walked down the watery isle towards the hidden rooms in Slytherin's mouth. Dirk wasn't in the first room, or the bedroom. Jake turned towards the closed library door, but the portraits that been sleeping suddenly sprang to life.

“You aren't the Jake fellow, by any chance?”

“Please don't go in there.”

“He said to tell everyone to stay out.”

“Oi, English, you dumb bloody wanker. Piss off!”

Jake looked at them in surprise. They'd certainly never been so rude before. Maybe Dirk was mad at him for some reason and he'd been talking to them? Shaking his head, he pushed the door open and went into the library.

Dirk was sitting in the corner past the fireplace, reading a book. He didn't even look up when Jake walked in, too engrossed in his book to notice. He startled when Jake sat down next to him. When he noticed it was Jake, his expression seemed to freeze and he deliberately looked back at his book. Jake moved until he was sitting in front of Dirk and gently tugged the book away from him, setting it off to the side.

“What's wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing.”

Jake frowned. “No, you're mad at me. That's not nothing.”

“I'm not mad at you.” Dirk wouldn't look at him.

“Yes you are. You've been avoiding me.”

“Not really. I've just been busy.”

Jake huffed and reached up to pluck Dirk's shades off, looking up at the surprised amber eyes. “No, you're avoiding me. You have been since Jane and I got together. Come on, Dirk!” Jake sighed. “I miss you. I miss having our strifes, I miss sitting next to you in class. Neither you nor Roxy will talk to me and I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with Jane if being with her means I can't be friends with you two. Now tell me what's wrong.”

Dirk stood up and made to walk off, but Jake got up and grabbed his arm. “Nope, you don't get to leave until we're good again.”

“You're so fucking stupid Jake! It's been years and you still haven't noticed it, huh? You still don't get it.” Dirk said, his voice low. He tried to jerk his hand out of Jake's grasp but he couldn't.

Jake pulled him a little closer. “Then tell me what it is that I'm not getting.”

Dirk stood still for a moment, breathing heavily and wondering how he should respond to that. Then he stepped towards Jake, leant down, and kissed him. It was light, just a gentle press of closed lips to closed lips.

Jake was still for a moment, shocked. Then he slowly put a hand of the back of Dirk's neck and pulled him a little closer, parting his lips minutely. He wasn't sure why he did that, it just felt right at the moment. The second he did, Dirk made a little noise and a confusing wave of longing and arousal swept over him. Dirk immediately jerked back. He stared at Jake for a second, before flashstepping out.

Jake swore and ran out of the library just as the bedroom door slammed shut. He heard the heavy lock slide into place and he ran towards it, pounding his open palms on the surface,

“Dirk, Dirk, open the door.” He called. A muffled no came from inside.

Jake frowned and glared at it. He dug his wand out and pointed it at the lock, muttering the unlocking charm they had worked on today in class. The door opened and he rushed in, finding Dirk curled up in a ball on the bed.

“Go away!” Dirk's voice sounded weird, scratchy almost. Jake climbed up on the bed and sat next to Dirk.

“No. Not until we talk.”

Dirk didn't say anything. Jake leant over him and grabbed his shoulder, tugging him so he was on his back. Dirk looked up miserably at him with eyes that were red from crying. Jake immediately pulled Dirk into a hug. He'd never seen Dirk cry before.

“Why? Why don't you do what you are supposed to?” Dirk asked sadly. “You were supposed to leave after I kissed you, not chase me down. You weren't supposed to kiss me back, you're not supposed to still be here. Just go back to your girlfriend.”

Just like during the kiss, waves of emotions hit him again. Depression, longing, defeat. Jake realised they weren't his feelings; they were Dirk's. Whatever species he belonged to, he was telepathic and was, probably accidentally, projecting them out.

A second after he realised that, the full implication of it hit him. He was the one making Dirk feel like that. The crushing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness were somehow his fault. No wonder Roxy wasn't talking to him, he thought bitterly. He'd certainly be ready to kill anyone who made Dirk feel this bad. But he didn't know what he'd done.

“Dirk, please.” Jake said, looking down at his best friend. “Tell me what I did.”

Dirk shook his head vehemently and sat up, wiping his eyes off from under his shades. “No. I'll be fine in a week or two, just leave me alone.”

It was an admirable effort at composing himself, but Jake could still feel Dirk's emotions and knew he was lying. Jake got up on his knees and moved towards Dirk, pulling the boy into a hug. Dirk rested his forehead on his shoulder, arms twitching up like he wanted to return the hug but wouldn't let himself.

“Tell me.” Jake mumbled.

“No.”

Jake frowned over Dirk's shoulder. “Then can I ask why you kissed me?”

Dirk began to chuckle, a harsh, self-deprecating noise. “Why the fuck do you think?”

Jake shook his head. “I don't know. You know I'm terrible when it comes to reading people, and you're not the easiest person to read.”

Dirk sighed. “I'm not? Really? Can't you feel it all right now? Everything I'm feeling. I'm terrible at keeping them all in check, Dave's really much better at it then I am. So listen, Jake, and tell me if you don't know what's wrong.”

Jake closed his eyes, trying to focus on the waves of emotion from Dirk. Longing, sorrow, despair. A bittersweet undercurrent of painful loss, mixed inextricably with the triumphant flavour of gain. The longer he listened, so to speak, the more he could hear. He tightened one arm around Dirk's waist, the other around his shoulder.

“You love me.” He said quietly.

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo everybody got something today! And Lord English, doing some nasty shit, for the first time. Anyway, sorry this took so long, hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also I sort of have two headcanons about the Striders here, one, that both Dave and Dirk think the other is better and more powerful and stuff, and two, that Dirk can use his prince of heart crap to reach out and feel or change other people's emotions, but he also ends up leaving his own heart 'unguarded', so to speak, for other people to feel sometimes.


	8. help me ive forgotten what chapter number this is i think i thought it was five maybe but idrk i promise this is an actual update tho happy new years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I _was_ going to wait until Wednesday to post a thing but then I remembered that I have no self control. Also, I have two things I wanna say. 
> 
> Firstly, thank you all so much. I have never gotten so many comments on one fic before, sad as that is, and you all have no idea how much of a difference it has made. Like the tiny little pebble that is my self esteem is inflating just a tad. Just a tad. You're all wonderful. 
> 
> Second thing, I wanna do a little poll. you don't need too, if I don't get enough people with strong enough opinions to vote, then I'll just do whichever one I'm feelin' at the time. With that said, the things we're voting on are:
> 
> Should I make Solkat a thing? Or whatever the ship name is for Aradia and Sollux?(Lmao I don't even know the straight ship names like too gay for that shit :'( ) Or just nah with Sollux?  
> and  
> I'm thinking about doing trans!Dave(FtM). I've never done a trans character and I really wanna try it, but at the same time I'm hella scared to fuck it up.
> 
> So let me know what you all think, mmk? Like I said, you don't need to, I'm not gonna be one of _those_ authors who're like *twelve year old kid on wattpad voice* "If I don't get like 30 kudos I'm not gonna write the next chapter!!1!!1!" *insert angry face emoji*  
>  The show will go on regardless, just thought I'd give you lot a chance to say a thing, if you felt so inclined.

===> Be Dirk

  
Dirk sat up on his broom, casually surveying the pitch. It was his and Dave's first game, Slytherin versus Hufflepuff. So far, there'd been no sign of the small golden ball he was supposed to be finding. The other seeker, a slightly pudgy boy draped in the hufflepuff yellow, was making obvious and rather pathetic feints, jerking left, right, up and down every few seconds. Dirk wasn't sure what the other boy was hoping to accomplish, so he just ignored the guy.

In all honesty, he really wanted to win this game. Dave was doing a great job as keeper, so they were currently ahead of hufflepuff, but with the 10-60 score, the game was still up in the air and whoever caught the snitch would win. Dirk, for whatever reason, wanted to make the asshole of a captain proud of him with this. He was going to catch that snitch. Most definitely.

In reality, Dirk knew exactly why he wanted to win so bad, even if he was telling himself he didn't. He just wanted to do one thing right for once. The whole week for him had been a string of fuck-ups, so this game, even if it was just a preliminary game and wouldn't actually count, really needed to be done right.

After his breakdown in front of Jake, everything had gone to shit. He shouldn't have kissed Jake in the first place, because now they could never go back to being normal friends ever again. And it hadn't changed the awkwardness between them one bit, unless you count the fact that they were both now avoiding each other, instead of Dirk being the one doing all the avoiding. As a bonus, Jake and Jane's relationship had gotten markedly strained, and Dirk suspected it was because of him.

Not only had he managed to loose his best guy friend, but he'd fucked up the relationship of one of his best female friends. Roxy still was with him more often than not, thank fuck, but he could tell she was unhappy too and it all hurt. He'd found himself spending more and more time with Eridan, the half-mer boy who was in a few of his classes. Eridan rarely actually talked to him about anyone other than Feferi, the half-mer girl he'd been hardcore friendzoned by, but it was slightly comforting to hear someone else have similar issues. At any rate, Dirk wanted to be able to say he'd at least done one thing right this week, and made one person feel some emotion that wasn't disappointment.

His eyes slid back to the Hufflepuff seeker who was still jerking around on his broom like a possessed man. Just above the boy's head, he caught the glimpse of something gold that wasn't part of the robes of hufflepuff. Dirk raised an eyebrow as his eyes focused on the snitch. All that pretending and he hadn't noticed it right above his head. Dirk quickly swooped down towards it, his hands tightening on the broom handle and his muscles tensing. The other seeker looked up and saw him at the last minute, his eyes widening in surprise as he did a quick roll out of the way.

Dirk snatched at the snitch, almost missing it and only managing to snag the edge of its wing between the first joints of his pointer and middle finger. He bent the fingers and secured his thumb over the wing so the snitch wouldn't escape before bringing it in and getting a better grip on the little metal body. He pulled himself to a stop and thrust his fist up into the air triumphantly.

The announcer of the game caught sight of him and called the game and Dirk suddenly found himself in the middle of a shouting emerald pile. The captain was patting his back and the two beaters were shouting something in his ears while hugging him. Dave fist-bumped him, one of chasers taking the opportunity to grope his brother's ass. The other two chasers were also somewhere in the group hug, everyone thrilled at having won their first game.

 

After everyone on the team had rotated through the showers, Dirk and Dave were walking back to the castle. As soon as Dave got twenty feet from the lockers, the gryffindor boy he had befriended earlier, John, came up and practically tackled him.

“Oh my god, you guys won! Good job on your catch, Dirk, and Dave you did so good, that other keeper sucked major ass compared to you! That was so cool!”

Jane walked up with John, smiling shyly at Dirk. Jake wasn't with her and Dirk tried his best not to look around for the boy. Dave glanced over at his brother and promptly dragged John away to give him some space.

Once they were gone, Dirk raised his eyebrows at Jane.

“What's up?”

She shrugged. “Nothing. I just came out to see your game. Fantastic catch, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Dirk grinned. He paused for a moment, wanting to ask where Jake was but at the same time not wanting to give himself away.

“He's not here.” Jane said, smiling at him sadly.

“Huh?”

Jane sighed. “Jake. He's not here. Or, at least, not here with me.” She paused for a moment and Dirk could tell she was holding her breath and trying not to cry. “He broke up with me, actually.”

Dirk immediately hugged her, his heart dropping as he did. Yeah, that 'Shittiest Friend' award? It was his. Totally his. It was fucking created for him.

“'M sorry.”He muttered, feeling guilty as hell. He must have been projecting again, because Jane let out this little giggle and shook her head. She stepped back from Dirk and he saw that there were tears in the corner of her eyes.

“It's not your fault, Dirk. I swear. He was never really into it anyway. I was always the one to kiss him, and he was always the one to pull away first.” She sighed. “He was probably just doing because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.”

Dirk almost flinched when she said 'kiss'. He felt even worse now. If he hadn't kissed Jake that one time, if Jake hadn't kissed him back, they'd probably still be together. But he had, and now he was the reason Jane was crying. Roxy was going to kill him. And he'd fucking let her.

Jane shook her head at him and grabbed his hand. “Nope, you don't get to feel bad over this, okay? I promised Roxy I was going to meet her in the library after this, and you're coming with me. We're going to cuddle and have some girl time and we're not going to talk about boys unless it's to complain about them.”

Dirk opened his mouth to protest, then snapped it shut and nodded. He couldn't exactly argue with that, so he let Jane drag him off to the library.

He didn't see the green-eyed boy that was leaning against the gryffindor tower, watching him with a conflicted gaze.

 

 

===>Be Kanaya

Rose was sprinting down the hallway, Kanaya using her longer legs to jog after her girlfriend. She had no clue what had set the other girl off. They had been in the middle of class when Rose had suddenly gotten up, her amethyst eyes unusually bright, and turned to run out of the room. Kanaya had gotten up and gone after her, immediately, shouting a quick apology to the befuddled teacher.

“Rose, can I inquire as to what you're doing and where we are headed?” She called.

Rose waved a hand to her as if to say 'hurry up' and shook her head. “Not yet, I've got to find Terezi. What class does she have?”

Kanaya frowned and thought about it. “Maths, I think. What's going on?”

“Maths, maths, okay!” Rose kept running, ignoring Kanaya's question. They got to the math classroom and Rose burst in, scanning the room for Terezi. She spotted the African girl in the corner and promptly dragged her out of the classroom, leaving Kanaya, once again, to shout an apology to the teacher. Rose hurried down to the library, refusing to answer either Kanaya or Terezi's questions. When they reached the library, she guided them to a table in the very back of the massive room. On the table was a large map of the areas surrounding Hogwarts.

Rose slammed her finger down on the map, breathing heavily. “There. That's where Lord English is going to attack next.”

Terezi frowned and looked at it, then at Rose. “How do you know? And why are you telling me? Shouldn't you tell the Headmaster?”

Kanaya sighed, finally understanding what was happening. “Rose and Roxy come from a line of seers. The gene is unpredictable and skips around, so only Rose has it, not Roxy. If she says he's going to attack there, he will.”

Rose nodded. “And I can't tell Hussie, not yet. It's hard to explain, but there's a reason he's attacking these towns. He's looking for something? Or someone? I don't know, I can't tell. I thought you might be able to help me figure it out.”

Terezi turned her head back towards the map and got out a red marker. She handed it to Rose. “Make a dot on the town you say he's going to attack next.”

Rose did, and Terezi handed her a grey marker. “Now a mark on Hogwarts.”

When She had, Terezi handed her a teal one. “And one last one on the town he just attacked.”

Terezi sniffed at the map for a few minutes, chewing on her bottom lip a little. She began to twist one of her braids around he finger, frowning at the map. “Rose. Tell me what you know about Lord English.”

Rose thought for a moment. “Um, his real name is Caliborn, his mom killed his dad when he and his twin sister, Calliope, were five. He killed Calliope an-”

“No.” Terezi cut her off. “Not his past. Tell me what he's trying to do now. Don't just recite it from the papers, use your own, different wording.”

Rose frowned. “Okay, since Caliborn is practically a squib and his sister was something of a protegee, he hates all magical folk. Since he is from a pureblooded family, he still holds those old views of muggles being trash. So he ends up killing both magic and non magic people, since he hates both. He always takes the wands of the male wizards he kills. After he killed one of the exceptionally powerful candidates for prime minister a few years ago he started to use that man's wand. Uh, he typi-”

“That's it!” Terezi cut her off excitedly. “Oh my god. How hasn't anyone else noticed? That's what he's doing, of course it is. “

“What is it?” Kanaya asked, looking back and forth between Rose and Terezi.

Terezi took off her glasses, cleaning them with her shirt in a way that must have just been for show. “Okay, remember how Harry Potter defeated Voldemort with the Deathly Hallows, then scattered them across England?”

Rose gasped. “You're not saying that he's...”

Terezi grinned ferally. “Heck yea he is. Specifically, he's looking for the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in existence. That's why he takes the wands from the people he kills. He's so weak when it comes to magic that he's hoping the Elder Wand will make him as powerful as Voldemort.”

“Woah, what?” Sollux walked up to them, looking confused. Rose glanced at him and furrowed her brows.

“I invited him, we need all the brains we can get.” Terezi said dismissively, waving her hand. “Now that he's here, I can call out the fish idiot who thinks I can't smell his caviar breath from where he's standing behind the third bookshelf.”

“I wwasn't doing anything.” Eridan looked out from where he had, indeed, been hiding. His were tinted the slight purple colour of the merpeople's blood as he glared at Terezi.

“Sure you weren't, honey. Now get your eavesdropping fishy ass over here and help us figure out what's going on. We've got all the Ravenclaw first years here, we should be able to get something done.”

“What'th going on? I th'ill don't know.” Sollux crossed his arms.

“Lord English is killing, he's gonna kill here next, blah, blah, blah, he's after the Deathly Hallows and the Elder Wand.” Terezi said. “Now, whe-”

“Woah, no, hold up. How do you know that? Where the fuck are you pulling this from? I'm not helping unle'th you tell me.” Sollux interrupted her.

Terezi sighed. “God damn. Okay, so. Rose has supplied us with the location of Lord English's next target, courtesy of her seer abilities. The towns he's been searching are both settled on streams and lakes that feed from the moat here at Hogwarts, which is where Harry Potter tossed the Elder Wand after the battle at Hogwarts. That fits with the patterns he's shown, where he takes the wands of powerful wizards after he kills them. So, he's trying to find the Deathly Hallows, and we need to stop him, preferably get them before he does.”

Rose raised her hand, her eyes shining a bright purple again. “They're here. Somehow, all three of the Deathly Hallows are here.” She paused and grabbed Kanaya's arm, staring intently at a point somewhere over Eridan's head that only she could see. “They're here, and he's going to know that. He's going to come.” She blinked and her eyes returned to their normal lustre. “Shit.”

“Shit.” Kanaya echoed.

“Do you know how much time we have?” Sollux asked. Rose shook her head.

“Wwell, wwhat's the point of your freaking talent if you can't tell us wwhen wwe're fucked? Like 'hey loosers, you're going to die. Wwhen? Oh, idk. But you're gonna die.' Yeah, loads of help.” Eridan snarled. Terezi promptly whacked him over the head with her cane.

“Shut it, sushi. Rose, are the Hallows all here now?” Terezi asked. Rose nodded again and leant on Kanaya, rubbing her eyes. “Okay, well there's that at least. So, any ideas?”

“Statistically, the chances that someone's either already found one or there is one in the room of requirement are pretty high. We could start looking there.” Kanaya offered, wrapping an arm around Rose.

“Wait.” Sollux said.

Terezi glared at him. “I swear to god Sollux. Stop stopping the conversation.”

“Th'hut up, Terezi. Kanaya, what are the three Deathly Hallows?”

Terezi groaned loudly, banging her head on the desk.

“The Cloak of Invisibility, the Elder Wand and the Ressurection Stone.” Kanaya said, puzzled.

Sollux's face lit up and he pointed a finger at Kanaya triumphantly. “Ye'th! That! The Reth'urection Th'one. Ugh. That'th a mouthful. Anyway, the magic rock thing. Ith'n't that what Aradia'th got?”

Terezi raised her head from the table. “Hey, look, Sollux actually is using his brain!” She paused and thought about it for a second. “Actually, yeah. That's smart, I'm impressed. It must be what she's got, wow.”

“Great, wwe found the pebble of dead people. Noww wwe only have twwo more. Twwo more to find before wwe all die.” Eridan grumbled.

Terezi sighed. “I'm regreting bringing sashimi here. Can someone get rid of him?”

“Stop making fish jokes! It's not funny. Fucking land dwwellers.” He pouted.

Terezi whacked him with her cane again.

“No, shut up. Okay, so we need more people to help us find the Hallows.”

“But we also want to be discrete about this whole affair, right?” Kanaya said. Terezi nodded.

“Exactly. We don't want to set off any major alarms by alerting Hussie or anything stupid.”

“Th'o we just tell the first yearth?” Sollux said.

Four of the teens there looked at each other (Eridan was pretending he had friends to text).

“Yeah, we just tell the first years.” Terezi said.

Sollux sighed. “Okay. Let'th do thith.”

Rose got out her phone. “I'll send out the message.”

\--tentacleTherapist[TT]opened a memo LORD ENGLISH at 13:28 --  
[TT]: hey guys  
[TT]: so um  
[TG]: jegus lalonde just spit it out  
[EB]: shut it dave let her talk  
[TT]: ok ill spit it out  
[TT]: lord english is coming to get us and were all going to die  
[TT]: and we need to find the deathly hallows before he does  
\-- tentacleTherapist[TT] has become an idle chum --

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love sassy black Terezi.
> 
> And yeah, Oh Shit, Lord English is definitely a thing now and he's coming to fuck shit up. Ready? Me neither. But, hey, Jane and Jake broke up and Jakey's confused af about life. I'm confused too, Jakey, s'ok. (I'm in a really spectacular mood right now in case you can't tell this was all done on a total impulse.)
> 
> Anyway, remember to vote on Sollux and Dave in the comments if you were gonna do that and have a very nice day!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so quick thing. The ships have now all been decided, as you will see, and most of the plot is down. Next chapter is when it all really kicks off. The other thing is, I really wanna write some one shots, but I'm completely brain-dead on _what_. So if you've got an idea, or something you wanna see written just ask me and I'll prob do it. Like any pairing, pov, style, etc. It can be so cute and sweet it makes you wanna throw up in your mouth or so dark you're embarrassed to even ask, idc. Just give me ideas pleaseeeeee. Thanks

===>Be Terezi

  
Once everyone had seen the message from Rose, they had panicked. Terezi had jumped into the fray that was the group chat and told them to calm down, establishing a meeting time in the library the following day, mostly because Rose and Terezi's teachers had taken points away from Ravenclaw for them skipping class and no one else really wanted to loose house points. So as soon as lunch the next day was over, everyone met up in the library around the same map of Hogwarts.

“So. Plans? Are we going to fight him?” Dave was the first to ask.

Terezi sighed. “I dunno. Can we? Like, literally is there anything we can do to stop him?”

Vriska huffed and elbowed Terezi over so they could stand together. “Of course there's something we can do about it. For god's sake, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were only a few years older when they fought the most powerful wizard of all time, with the Deathly Hallows. This time, our adversary doesn't even know expelliarmus from stupify.”

“Yeah, guys, I mean, we can all fight him, right?” Tavros piped up from the back.

Vriska snorted. “Well, maybe. But you're not. He'd just tip over your wheelchair and be done with it.”

Gamzee started to growl, getting up from his chair and advancing on the spider demon. Vriska shrunk back, a thrilling mix of fear and elation. So this was the famous Makara rage. Vriska's back hit a bookshelf, but Tavros reached out and caught Gamzee's arm before he got too close.

“Don't.” He said, shaking his head. Gamzee nodded and backed off right away. Vriska almost hissed “whipped”, but a sudden vision of herself with the chelsea grin shut her up. Maybe it was best to just leave it. Terezi threw a superior smirk her way. Fortunately, one of the other kids decided they'd take a turn being dumb and spare her.

“Wait, wait, I have a question.” John raised his hand.

“Oh god, it's Sollux v2.0. What is it, John?” Terezi groaned.

“If this English dude is so bad at magic, how's he been defeating all these magic folk? Like I know now he's got a powerful wand that makes up for it a little, but he didn't have that when he killed the dude in the first place.” John said.

Vriska snorted. “He had The Felt, duh.”

Terezi gasped and Vriska suddenly froze, putting her hand up to shush people. The two girls turned to each other with wide eyes.

“But!”

“If we took them out...”

“They wouldn't have a chance.”

“Since they come one by one,”

“We could do it,”

“And we could set up teams!”

“Specialisation of labour by talent!”

“Yes!”

Terezi and Vriska high-fived, ignoring everyone else that was staring at them. Terezi turned back to the table, hopefully ready to explain what she had just figured out when the Headmaster's voice boomed through the school.

“I need _all_ students still left here to report to the Great Hall? Yeah, I know it's the weekend, but this is important.”

The first years looked around at each other, questioningly, before the librarian came to hustle them out. Terezi sighed and pushed her way to the front of the herd, Vriska close behind her. They walked out of the library, whispers coming from the back of their group about what it could be. Aradia, who was next to her, turned slightly to shrug a little. Terezi shrugged back at the asian girl.

The door to the great hall was open when they approached, and Terezi could smell the masses of students in the hall. There were less than she remembered. It was a small class to begin with, but now it seemed like there were maybe 150 students in the whole thing, at best.

Headmaster Hussie and Assistant Headmistress Opheee stood up by the owl podium, both whispering to each other. When the group of first years entered, they looked up and nodded. Opheee shot up a flare and the whole hall went quiet.

“So, I know a lot of use have gone home, because of that whole Lord English attack thing. And I congratulate those who've stayed, but, I think I should probably let you all know something. I have been informed by a student that we have a seer in our school who has predicted that Lord English is going to come here.” Hussie paused for a moment and Terezi turned to Vriska with a puzzled expression. Who would have given that away? Only the ravenclaws were actually present for that. Vriska shrugged and Terezi turned around to look at everyone, her nose immediately picking up a nervous tone that definitely wasn't Equius.

And that nervous tone was Purple.

“God damn it, cod boy. I'm going to fucking char you.” She hissed, turning her head back to face the Headmaster.

“...so I understand if you want to leave, in fact, I suggest it. Anyway, please have a nice day and stay safe.” The headmaster finished his announcement and the hall erupted in noise.

Terezi threw her hands up and walked out the door of the hall, back to the library. Aaaaand, now that nice little contained plan was shot. The whole school up in panic was going to make it more difficult to find the two remaining Hallows before English did. Their owners might leave with them, or maybe hide them, who knows. She stormed to the back and flopped down on one of the library's comfy couches. The seat next to her dipped when Vriska sat down and she heard the rest of the first years arrange themselves around her.

“So. Eridan. Wanna explain what you did?” Terezi grumbled.

“Sure.” Eridan pouted. “I thought it _might_ be wwise to let the rest of the kids knoww that they could possibly _die_. No biggie.”

Terezi could practically feel Vriska's glare next to her.

“Yeah, so, anyway. Let's move on from the idiot here and get to some better stuff. Better stuff as in Lord English.” Vriska spat. “We've got fifteen goons and a deranged murderer on their way. Eridan is the least of our problems.”

Terezi took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes, you're right. Let's explain the plan. I'm pretty sure we made the same one right?”

“Yeah, think so.” Vriska shrugged. “So, background. Lord English has fifteen sycophants that help him with the whole killing thing, right. They come one by one to each town and sort of... pulverise it before LE comes. Like when spiders inject venom into their prey to liquidise their inside so they're easier to eat!”

Everyone looked mildly disgusted. Vriska waved them off.

“Anyway, that little bit notwithstanding, we can defeat them because they only ever come in one order and one at a time. It's lame, honestly. I don't know why everyone else has failed to kill them.”

Terezi grinned broadly and leant on Vriska affectionately. “I knew we were thinking the same thing. So, basically, we're just gonna split up into teams based on who can best kill who. 'Kay? We can all kill right? No moral dilemmas? Good. Let's do this.”

Terezi sniffed around, snatching someone's backpack and fishing a piece of paper and pencil out. She slapped the paper down on the table and stuck the end of the pencil in her mouth.

“So, the first one is called Itchy.” Terezi scribbled the name down. “He's hella fast.”

A pale hand shot out, holding a sparkly pink pen. Roxy scribbled Dirk and Jake's names down on the line next to Itchy.

“Dirk's hella, hella fast. Like, he puts the 'ass' in 'fasst'.” She elbowed Jane and whispered, “Shhhh, that's totally how english works.”

“Anyway, his flashstepping can definitely beat this looser.” She waved a hand dismissively. “And Jake necessary, just assume I said some totally legitimate, not fake-sounding reason.”

“Do I get a say in this?” Dirk interjected.

“Maybe. Can you really flashstep?” Terezi asked.

“Yeah?”

“Then nah, you don't get a say in this.” Terezi grinned, circling the names on the paper. “Right, next hench-weirdo is Doze. He's slow. At everything.”

“So anyone can kill him?” John asked.

“Not quite.” Rose said. “He's slow to get injured. Like, you cut him, and he starts bleeding a minute later.” She shrugged. “I dunno, all English's guys had weirdass accidents or problems with magic and the like. They're weirdos.”

“Anyway, Dave's strong. He can take on this guy. And what the heck, let's throw in John as the extra.”

“Um, excuse you.” John pouted. “I am not an extra. I am _useful_. And I can help Dave.” He crossed his arms definitively, unaware that Dave was staring at him.

“Cool. Two down.” Terezi scribbled Doze, John and Dave down. “Next dude is Trace. He's got that ESP shit, where he touches things and sees their past. And then uses it against you. So. Anyone have a totally happy life?”

A cat lept up on the table in front of Terezi and purred at her. Terezi stared at the animal.

“Sorry, don't speak meows.” She deadpanned. A boy pushed his way up to the table just as the cat transformed herself into a short girl in a long green shirt and leggings.

“We could do itttt.” The girl purred. “Equius is part troll.”

Terezi looked confused. “And?”

“And, trolls are resistant to magic. It's why Equius is so _bad_ in class. I'm Nepeta, by the way.”

Equius looked like he wasn't sure if he should be hurt by that comment, but he nodded. “Any magic used on me, if it directly effects my body, it doesn't really do much.”

Vriska shrugged and elbowed Terezi. “Okay, you two on Trace then. Next one is Clover, and I've got him. He always says his 'power' is being lucky, so I figure surviving out of all my thousands of sisters makes me lucky too.”

Terezi nodded. “I'll fight with you, then. The fourth one is called Fin and he's got some precognition. I'm thinking Rose for this one, yeah?”

“Yes, Rose and I can handle him.” Kanaya said. Rose grinned at her girlfriend and gaze Terezi a thumbs up.

“Great. So the next one, Die, is tricky. He uses illusions to fake people's deaths so you think your family or friends are dying.” Terezi paused. “He's gonna be a bitch to take down.”

“Tch, I can take him.” Aradia smirked. “It's been a decade and a half; I can tell the difference between real and fake death. Fef, wanna do this with me?”

The half-mer girl smiled brightly and linked her arm with Aradia. “Heck yeah! I promise to not freak out when I see you die!”

“Lovely.”

Vriska blinked in their direction. “...Right then. 'Rezi, who's next?”

Terezi scratched her head. “Um, Stitch? No, wait, Crowbar. Crowbar, then Stitch after. Crowbar makes shit blow up, and Stitch does some weird laser thing to these strings he's got and slices people up with them.”

Gamzee's clown makeup twisted up into a smirk. “Did I hear explosions?”

A groan came from the short greek boy to his left. “Jegus fuck. Yeah, might as well put us on Crowbar. Gog knows this fuck has survived enough _homemade_ explosions, he's gotta be practically impervious to it by now, yeah?”

“Uh, I can do the strings guy. If you want, I mean. Like, I'm not real good at moving, sure, but I do know some good blocking spells. Might be useful?” Tavros suggested.

“I can help him! It's harder to slice someone up if they don't keep one shape.” A girl with dog ears and a wagging tail bounced up to hover next to Tavros' chair across from Gamzee.

Terezi grinned. “Excellent. Okay, Clown and Shouty on Explosions, Dog Shifter and Nose Ring Mohawk on Mr. Magic Strings. Next guy up is... Sawbuck.” She sighed. “Oh, he's gonna be fun. His deal is that he apparates, but he has literally no control. He just pops in and out of space at random; I don't think even he knows where he'll be.”

Rose leant her head on Kanaya's shoulder. “We've got this one, again. I can probably figure out where he'll show up. And, if not, Kanaya's fast enough, right?”

“Indeed.”

Vriska sighed. “Can we take a break for a moment? I'd like to know how we're planning on figuring out when the Felt are going to get here. Are we going to set up wards, or?”

Everyone was silent for a second.

“I have a map that could help.” John piped up from the back. “It's got everyone's location in Hogwarts, all the time.”

“ _ **JOHN.**_ ” Vriska stared at him. “You have _the Maurader's Map_. How?!”

“The what?” John looked clueless.

“The map that Harry Potter used! And the Mauraders! Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, even the traitor, Peter Pettigrew. Ya know, only the most **amazing wizards in the history of Hogwarts.** Ugh, you know what, never mind. The map will work just fine. Give it to Dirk to hold, since he's got to fight first. We'll just pass it around, I guess.”

Vriska looked disappointed in John. She sighed deeply. “Let's just continue with the Felt.”

Terezi turned her head sideways and quirked an eyebrow at her. “ 'Kay. Back to them. Next one up is Matchsticks. He dumps floo powder everywhere and flashes around just like Sawbuck.”

Sollux chuckled sarcastically. “Ooh, th'oundth fun. Gilly and I have got it. We'll juth't drown the fuck out of the floo powder. Can't work if it'th wet.”

“Wwhy do I have to wwork with you?” Eridan growled.

“Becauth'e I fucking th'aid so and you're the only dickwad left that no one elth'e wants to pair up with. You think I wanna work with you either?” Sollux grumbled.

“Hm. Okay. Erisol it is. Next hench guy is called Eggs, and he's got a time-turner.” Terezi said.

Dave smirked. “I've got this one. Time is my shit, any fucker who thinks they can do better can suck it.”

“Oh jesus. Dirk muttered. “Don't get him going on the time thing. One time I made the mistake of asking him how you're supposed to count thirty-second notes in six eight time. I don't recommend it. Just let him go with it.”

“It's not even that hard! Just because sixteenth notes are the shortest thing you fucking brass players ever have to deal with doesn't make it so difficult.” Dave grumbled.

“Fucking string players.”

“Anyway.” Terezi said. “Biscuits is the next one. He's got an endless bag and his forte is charms.”

“Woo!” Roxy cheered, throwing an arm around Jane. “Charms! I got this shit! Motherfucker's going down!”

Terezi sighed deeply. “Excellent, only two left. Quarters, a summoner, and Cans, who knocks people out. Any takers?”

“I'll get the summoner? I'm good with animals, I can probably do something with it.” Tavros said. Jade nodded behind him.

“We'll get it.”

“I've got Cans, since I move to fast for him to catch. If he can't catch me, he can't knock me out.” Dirk shrugged.

“Great, then we've got it all covered.” Terezi yawned. “And I'm going to take a nap after this.”

“Hold up.” Vriska interjected. “Didn't you say there's fifteen? We only covered fourteen.”

Terezi paused and her brows furrowed. “Well, yes. The last one is the only female in the group, called Snowman.”

Vriska waved her hands. “Okay. And?”

“And she always comes either with, or right before Lord English. There's no point in preparing for her. She's his right hand person. She'll kill us all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eesh, sorry this was so heavy on dialogue. I promise to have some more action in the next one, yeah? Which will probably already be written by the time I get around to posting this. So yeah. Get ready for the story to really start. Secrets and silliness and maybe even sex. ;)  
> Albp xkvlkb bipb txqze doxsfqv cxiip? f grpq zxrdeq rm tfqe fq xka fj avfkd pljblkb mibxpb qxih ql jbbbbbbbb


	10. chapter one of the real shit hell yeah

===>Be Dirk

Studying. Studying. Studying. Why was there so much god damn homework for a simple astronomy class? A new zodiac symbol, Ophichus or something, and suddenly the teacher was adamant that they all memorise the new dates for the zodiac.

Dirk was laying on his stomach on his bed, a pillow folded in half and shoved under his chest. A star chart was lying open to the left of him, notes written in his scrawl spread out on the right. The Maurader's Map was open right in front of him. He flicked his eyes up to the yellowed parchment every few seconds, checking obsessively for a new name.

“He'll show up eventually, you don't need to stress over it.” Jake piped up from the floor. He had considerably less paper spread around him and Dirk's other pillow shoved under his head as he lay on his back on the floor. Terezi had suggested they stick together until Itchy actually showed up, that way they wouldn't have to go looking for each other before they fought. It was awkward, to say the least.

They hadn't spoken to each other in almost two weeks since _it_ happened, and Dirk wasn't sure if Jake was just being polite, but really didn't want to deal with him any more now that he knew. He hadn't brought it up, not even hinted at it, but Dirk still felt like the elephant in the room was encroaching on both their personal spaces. It sucked. At this point, Dirk just wanted the awkwardness to leave.

“Hey, this Friday is the Honeydukes trip.” Jake started.

Dirk shook his head. “Only for third years and up, remember. First and second years aren't allowed.”

“We've got a secret tunnel going there. C'mon Dirk, I wanna try butterbeer. John's getting everyone to go.”

“Fine.” Dirk sighed.

“Cool!” Jake grinned up at Dirk. “I'm also going to get a chocolate frog. Frogs are neat.”

Dirk kept his eyes down, refusing to move his head up away from his books. Out of the corner of his shades, he saw Jake look a little disappointed.

He glanced back down at the papers on his desk, letting the dots and lines of the star charts blur together.

“Fuck this.” Dirk got up from his bed, Jake glancing up with some trepidation. “I'm bored as hell, let's go somewhere.”

Dirk snatched the map off the covers stalked out of his bedroom. He heard Jake scramble up to follow him. Horuss and Rufio were hovering just above the mantle, chatting aimlessly, and Dirk saw Horuss shoot him a look as he made for the exit to the common room, Jake close behind.

He used his longer legs to keep ahead of him as he walked down the hallway, fingernails digging into the palms of his leather gloves. It was probably flaking the orange paint Roxy and Jane had carefully applied to his nails, but it didn't really matter. Not then. He just couldn't take it. Jake's forced smiles, because they honestly couldn't be anything but. Jake's see-through attempts at faked conversation.

When Dirk reached the end of the corridor, he turned and walked out of the open doorway into the inner courtyard of the school. He felt the air heat up and thicken as he passed through the regulating charms placed on all the open doorways. He hopped over the stone wall and went towards the forest. He stopped at the foundation of the old Groundskeeper's hut. The concrete was scorched black in some areas, remains of wooden beams in sticky, black, rotting piles that hadn't moved in years.

He kicked one of the piles over.

“Dirk, Dirk, wait, god damn it.” Jake jogged up next to him. “Where are you going? What's wrong? What did I do?”

Dirk said nothing, but sat down on the blackened ground and opened the map up again. Jake sat down next to him and sighed.

“Please don't ignore me again. Dirk, talk to me.” Jake poked his arm.

Dirk leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I'm good.”

“Right. Sure you are. You're just, you know, refusing to look at me, or talk to me. Totally normal.” Jake's tone was biting.

Dirk winced a little and returned his focus to the map. He wasn't going to listen to this. Nope. Not listening. He scanned the map, searching for a new name that might appear. Just as he was about to look away, a little flicker at the very top dragged his eyes back.

The name “Itchy” floated up in a loopy script by the edge of the forest, maybe two or three hundred meters away from where they were now.

“He's here.” Dirk got up, folding up the map and handing it to Jake to fit in one of his cargo shorts pockets. Dirk's own skinny jeans weren't very good for holding much beyond a thin iphone.

“Shit, let's go.” Jake scrambled to get up and follow, again. They jogged towards where he had shown up on the map. Dirk gripped his wand anxiously.

Emotionally, this was not a good fucking time for a fight, but it was going to need to work. They got to where he had first shown up and were greeted with an empty expanse of grass. There was a rustling noise as Jake got the map back out behind him.

“He's gone into the forest.” Jake said, taking off towards the trees to the left. Dirk followed him, admiring the way Jake jumped over protruding roots and stones so easily, moving between the new trees like it was second nature to him. Then again, he had done a lot of exploring. They came to a halt when something ran past them, perpendicular to their path.  
A man in a mint green suit appeared up in front of them.

“Ooh-hoo. Who are youu?” He crooned.

Dirk shot Jake a quick look. “We go to this school. Why are you here?”

“My boss said I've gotta come here, yanno, usual routine.” The guy shrugged. “I've got nothing against yah, But, you're gonna have to die.” Itchy grinned and ran into the forest. Dirk swore under his breath and turned so his back was to Jake.

“Watch out for him, Try to keep your eyes on him, if you can.” He hissed. He grabbed the shades off his face and stuffed them into Jake's hand. “And hold onto these for me.”

With the shades off, the shadows of the trees seemed so much brighter. He strained his eyes, trying to see Itchy. He was too fast for Jake, it would have to be him that caught the henchman. A flicker of motion at the edge of his vision sent him running. His whole body seemed to speed up and he yanked his wand out of his pocket. Itchy was in his sights now, ducking behind trees and turning, running in a loop around Jake.

He was definitely going to kill them, if he could. Stupid as he seemed, he knew he had to kill the witnesses. But that wasn't going to happen this round.

Dirk shot off a disarming spell, but Itchy dodged it at the last second. Fuck, he really was fast. A green light hit the tree next to Itchy and Dirk knew Jake had caught sight. Good. A moment later, a pair of spells were shot back, one at Dirk and one at Jake. Dirk managed to dodge and Jake threw up a shield, deflecting the curse. Dirk swore and sped up, his muscles burning. He slammed into Itchy, both of them falling violently into a tree. Itchy's fist collided with his cheekbone and his mouth snapped shut, nicking the edge of his lip. Blood began to roll down the side of his face and he quickly threw a jinx at his attacker.

Itchy rolled out of the way and shot a curse back at him. It hit Dirk in the shoulder and threw him back into a tree. He heard Jake scream his name over the crack of his back against the bark. A grunt of pain escaped his mouth but he rolled to his feet regardless and faced Itchy again. The mint green man was on him in a split second, fist pulled back for another blow.

Dirk moved at the last second, and his fist made contact with the tree, shaking it. Dirk kicked at his legs, bringing Itchy down. Itchy quickly rolled, flipping himself on top of Dirk and pulling his fist back to punch him. Dirk felt a quick succession of blows connect with his jaw and he struggled to find away to escape before the second one landed. His thrashing did nothing to stop the next flurry of impacts, on his chest this time, and he started to cough, spraying the front of his shirt with droplets of blood.  
Then the weight on his midriff disappeared as Itchy flew off him. Jake was standing a few meters away, his wand arm raised. Itchy was hovering in the air, gashes opening up on his skin like gaping mouths. The look on Jake's face was terrifying.

“ **Don't fuck with my... With Dirk!** ” He screamed. Itchy was twitching, his clothes slowly turning more and more brown. Eventually, his body stopped moving and Jake let it drop to the ground, breathing hard.

“Jake.” Dirk called hoarsely, pushing himself slowly up into a sitting position. “Ah, fuck.”

Jake turned and ran to Dirk, dropping down to his knees. “Shit, are you okay? You were coughing blood!”

“Yeah, I'm good. I just bit my cheek.” Dirk nodded, wincing, and wiped the blood off the corner of his mouth. “I- thanks. Thanks for saving me.”

Jake hesitated, then threw his arms around Dirk. “God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for not noticing, I'm sorry for dating Jane and hurting her and you and Roxy. I just- I don't know! I'm so damn confused! I should like Jane, but I don't, not how she expects me to, and I shouldn't have liked it when you- Arghhh! Fuck this.” Jake let go of his shoulders and leaned back so Dirk could see his eyes.

Then he put a hand on the back of Dirk's neck and kissed him.

Dirk parted his lips and leant into Jake, ignoring the sting of his cuts. Jake's hand slid up and tangled in his hair, and Dirk swept his tongue across his bottom lip. They both groaned and Dirk pulled back, putting a hand on Jake's chest.

“Why? What are you doing?” Dirk said. He knew his emotions were going haywire, and Jake could probably tell everything he was feeling, but that was okay, for once. Jake should know how he's feeling. “Are you fucking with me, do you think you need to do this because it's polite or some shit? Don't jerk me around, Jake English.”

Jake stared at Dirk, at his eyes. They were a bright orange, brighter than they'd ever been before. Looking at them was easy, looking away was not. Jake felt his thoughts slip out of his brain like sand through a sieve. Through a haze, he heard Dirk swear and grab his shades from his hand, putting them back over his eyes.

The fog melted from Jake's mind and he blinked a few times. “What was that?”

Dirk looked down at him, his face inscrutable. “Never mind. Let's just go.”

Dirk stood and pulled his to his feet before turning to leave, but Jake grabbed his arm and spun him around.  
“No, not yet. Dirk, look, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling. I do know that I want to spend time with you, and I hate it when you're not talking to me. I do know that, even if you say I shouldn't have liked it when you kissed me, I do. I don't know what you are, but I know that whatever it is isn't affecting my thoughts. I'm not just saying this 'cause your eyes were glowing and suddenly all I wanted to do was be near you. I'm not saying this because I can feel how much you love me, or any other bullshit mind power thing. I – I want to... I don't know what I want to do but I want to be around you and I want you to be happy and I want to do this!” Jake pulled Dirk's arm back towards him and kissed Dirk again.

Dirk immediately moved forward, backing Jake up into a tree and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. Jake moaned and his hand returned to Dirk's hair. Dirk let his lips be teased open by Jake's tongue, only to wince and pull back when he felt the forming clot on his lip break. As soon as they separated, Jake tossed his arms around Dirk's neck and buried his face in his shoulder.

Dirk wiped the blood off his lip and hugged Jake back for a moment, letting his chin rest on the head of the shorter boy.

“Let's go tell Terezi that we killed him.” He muttered quietly. Jake nodded and let go of him. They started walking towards the castle, Jake purposely not looking at the bloody body they were leaving behind. Dirk cast a look behind them and sent out a little wave of disgust to hang over the area. Hopefully the forest animals would pick up on it and clean up the body.

Dirk reached down and grasped Jake's tense hand, uncurling his fingers from his palm and lacing them with his own. Jake looked up at him, surprised.

“You still up for Honeydukes this weekend?” Dirk asked.

“Yeah, I am.” Jake grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS LAST UPDATE BUT ALAN RICKMAN!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! 
> 
> AHHHHH!!!!!!
> 
> And also, dirkjake. I'm gonna be switching up the povs later on, i'll try to give everyone at least part of a chapter, but this is mainly about the striders and the englishberts soooo. Yeah. Love you all, keep sending me ideas for oneshots and commenting.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment with questions or love! I'll take either!


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